Almost..

Tomorrow is the last day of the semester. About 9 months have gone by since I wrote my first entry. And a lot happened, but deep down inside, I haven't changed much, I feel.

I'm using the library's computer right now, and when I tried to log on, at first I wrote my High School ID (2100701.. I'll never forget). After a year, I still did this mistake. Well, almost a year.

I miss highschool. Not Sec 5, because it was hell. But Sec 4. In miss it so deeply.

I definitely haven't changed the slightest bit.. Still nostalgic as hell, eh.

So much as happened. I spent my first semester getting done with my relationships with Charles. We broke up during mid-semester. At the same time, I got to know Mathieu during that time. And I fell in love with him. And we saw each other twice. I also failed almost all my classes. Because I didn't even feel like doing anything. Strangely enough, my memories of first semester are clouded, unclear. I don't know why. My drug consumption was at it's lowest, same goes for alcohol, so what happened? Maybe because after all, this session was quiet. It was just tears, pain, and feeling alive, and long ours of boredom, working, and being in class. It was writing letters and most of all.. Being in love. And being depressive.

It went by fast.

Then there was christmas vacation. And I saw Mathieu for the last and third time, and knew, from there on, it was going downwards. I spent much time at Koro's, and mostly did nothing. Christmas vacation was mostly utterly boring. Nothing happened, except my status was going worst and worst again, and I switched to my manic side, being caught in atrocious angst crisis, running around my bedroom at 3AM, almost screaming for something to do, and being so aggressive I could barely handle myself. I also met a lot of people, because I needed it. Most of them I don't even speak with now.

Then.. then came the winter semester. It started in a clash, with Mathieu breaking my heart by changing his msn nickname, and myself going deeply numb. And then .. to fit with my manic mood, I switched back to activist habits.. The kind of stuff I do when I'm too sad and don't want to think about it. I spent most of the semester making friends and losing others, or maybe even losing the ones I had just made, if that makes any sense. And at the moment spring was there and I was gaining back some self-confidence, a rain of bad events came in, leaving me unstable.

So here we are. I switched back to depressive. I re-fell in love with him. I lost my interest in student activism because I lost my illusions; people are too goddamn proud and stupid and elitist for any of it to work.

I still haven't changed. And I kept my resolution. After Charles and me.. After it was over. I said no more boyfriends­.

And here we are. No more boyfriends.

I don't think I regret it.

Amen.

Confessions of fears

It's been a while.. I'm sorry.

I feel very bad, ever since yesterday. Dave told me something yesterday: "So you hate rejection?" Made me realize this 'bout myself.. I don't only hate being rejected, it drives me nuts, it's an obsession and it can make me depressed to the point of auto-mutilation.

Ian rejected me once again because he once again is exclusive to another girl. It's ridiculous; I know it's not true. I know it. I know him. No matter how many times he said he changed. He's once again playing with me. He always does.

One time, one time since I know him he cracked and held me against him.


And Dave is seeing someone he doesn't want to cheat on. And it drives me nuts. I have to get close to him. I just have to. It's becoming an obsession and I think I'm becoming kind of crazy. I want to hold him, not just hug him, just hold him. For long. And he knows it. And for some reason it makes me cry, it makes me hurt.

Why, why when I have no feelings for him other than simple attraction am I so sad I can't have him?

Because I grew to hate myself, because of rejection. Because I was told so many times I was ugly when growing up that everytime I feel pretty I think it's weird. Everytime a guy says I'm pretty, I think he's lying. Everytime a boy rejects me, even if it's for a good reason that has nothing to do with me..

I hurt so hard I can hardly breathe.

And I'm so afraid... so afraid of Math sleeping with some girl.. and thinking it was better than when he did it with me.. It's all I have left of him.. that I was the last one.. It's the only reason he still thinks I'm pretty or hot sometimes. The only he reason he has not 100% lost interest.

I rarely regret sleeping with 10 guys in my life because I like sex and I don't feel guilty over it. I don't see why I should stop myself from those kinds of things that I enjoy.

The only time I regret is when I think he might consider that for me he's just another fuck. I'm afraid that because of this he doesn't see how special this night was and how entirely and thoroughly I gave myself to him.

He's the only guy I slept with I truly was in love with. Not in love like I was with Charles. Not sweet, soft, long lasting love. He's the only guy I loved with the passion I don't seem to be capable of anymore..

I fear he's my last teenage love, the last guy I'll love with so much intensity. I'm so afraid one day I'll stop loving him and this bittersweet pain will never ever come back to me again.

I'll be turning 18 in 20 days and this makes me so goddamn afraid because I'm becoming an adult, because 18 is legal, because I won't be underage anymore, because I won't be "the kid" anymore.

As is anything I does loses worth because I'm growing older.



This post is so full of fears.

Hating saga, part 4

So this is part 4 of my bitching saga! Hell yeah!

(by the way, this is 52nd entry, within less than a year, so I achieved my goal of writing at least once a week. this makes my blog quite an active one)

Alex. Not emo Alex, but another Alex.

Where shall I start.

We started hanging together a lot in the weeks that followed his break up with his ex girlfriend. When we had been seeing each other once in a while for something like 3 weeks, he asked me if I had feelings for him. To which I replied to him that of course not, and there I got kind of mad because it's quite obvious that I don't go around falling in love with everyone. But after that I was sorry that I reacted so strongly because after all he was just afraid that I'd love him and that's the kind of thing I did with guys sometimes (being afraid they loved me).

But he totally stopped talking to me, we stopped hanging out together.. He's not a friend anymore.

Eh..

I hate losing friends.

Now the Seb case, one of the most, beautiful I guess.

When I started to get to know him, he told me that before he thought all I was was a wanna-be metalhead with much of an attitude problem but that at that point he thought otherwise and thought I was someone cool. He also said if he ever had a problem with me he would tell me.

Up to now, everything is wonderful.

Then slowly, through the month of april, our friendship began degrading, for some unknown and mysterious reasons. I don't have the knowledge that I did anything purposely to piss him off. But at some point, one evening we were a bunch of people at Rockaberry's. He was talking about Fred and this girl about Within Temptation and I said that I might be going with my best friend. Fred asked me why I wasn't going with them instead and I hinted slightly that Seb might not want me to come. It remained at that, and later that night he was kind of rough with me after I generalized about philosophy teachers (like what the hell, I was high, do you expect me to be logical after smoking weed). He didn't even explain what he meant, just saying, twice, "What you say is stupid, really stupid".

At that point I realized he did really have something against me, altough I didn't understand what or why. Later that week, or maybe the next, he approached me at school saying "We're need to talk together right NOW". So I'm like, well, okay, even if I don't like it when people boss me around like that. So he said "I'm not happy that you're coming to the Within Temptation live". I explained, quite surprised, that I didn't understand since I wasn't going with them. He aid the way I brought it up at Rockaberry's sounded like that, which made me quite puzzled because what I had said was I was going with Samir.

So later on that day I wrote him an email to ask for explanations , since he said if he had anything against me he would tell me. I wrote in that email a bit about not understanding why, saying I don't really mind and he's entitled to have his opinion but that I would like to know what happened, what did I do, so on so forth. I tried to be the most polite and calm I could, and I think I succeeded not so bad.

I waited and waited for an answer. When I finally saw him on MSN, I simply asked him if he intended to answer me. He said no, because this email was just childish behavior.

First off, could he be any more diminutive to me, almost calling me a child?

And then..

He tells me if he's mad at me he will exlain. Then, he's mad at me and he doesn't say anything. I write him a polite email to ask him the reasons, see if I can do something to make it better, etc. He refuses to answer.. and I'm the one who's acting like a child?

Did I miss out on something?

And I'm the one who's considered very dumb and air-headed by half the planet. Riiiiight.

Part , the Jenny and Emo Alex situation! Yay so much fun for fightign with everyone!

Through the session, I saw Jenny and Emo Alex growing cold to me. It started by Alex not talking to me on the train on thursday mornings, to them acting cold and uninterested when I went to talk to them, to plainly ignoring me.

At first I thought that was they are both anti-strike and that I'm very very very pro-strike. But then I realized that way past that, they kept ignoring me.

So I went to see Jenny on msn, and this a nice little synopsys of our dear converstion *sarcasm*.

Pav: Hey Jenny, are you mad at me?
Jenny: I don't fucking care :)
Pav: But.. I don't understand
Jenny: Think for a while and you will understand.
Pav: Well, no I don't.
Jenny: Friendships need to be taken care of. The only time you talk to me is to ask me if I'm coming to this or that, or to borrow me stuff, or to talk about all your strike bullshit. You don't even ask me how I am.
Pav: Well.. no, not quite. I asked you to come to AG once, talked about the strike once, and borrowed you a pencil once. All the other times I talked to you I just.. talked to you.
Jenny: No you didn't.
Pav: So you say I'm a liar?
Jenny: And I heard... stuff about you.
Pav: Stuff? What kind of stuff?
Jenny: I don't want to talk about it so I don't have trouble for doing so afterwards.
Pav: Well it's sad you can't see that you are mistaken and that I never purposedly ignored you, that I did my best to be there especially when your ex dumped you, and that if I didn't talk to you often it's just because I just don't see you often.
Jenny: Well now I know what kind of person you are, the stuff I heard made me realize things, and now I don't hate you but like I'm not your friend anymore and I'm not saying I'll never be again but like right now our roads are separated and there is no reason why I should be your friend.
Pav: Well now I know what kind of person you are: The kind that will believe rumors about their friends, won't do any effort to keep those friends, attention-whore, and unable to understand sometimes your friends might be a bit busier than they were before and it doesn't make them evil. To top it off, you seem to be unable to question the information people give you, because you never talked to me about that so called "stuff" you heard about me, never wanting to hear the other side of the story.


Considering the fact that the sole people we know in common are emoAlex, Camille, Samir, Jude, Ariane and Vic, my guess is, oh wah, WHO BITCHED BEHIND MY BACK OMG IT MUST BE CAMILLE. Wow, how intelligent I am *rolls eyes*. Because Alex had the same reasons for being mad at me, Samir doesn't have anything against me and he's not even in Cégep anymore, Ariane is too happy-go-lucky to be bitchy about me, Jude already bitched tons about me before and hasn't talked to me in forever so why would Jenny hear anything new through her, and Vic most probably doesn't have anything against me.

Friends from highschool also informed me that Camille did similarly with them, trying to bring them to hate me. Way to go you slut.

You can't bring me down today.

Explanations

I guess my previous post might deserve some kind of explanation.

Let's start off with Camille, shall we? A couple of months ago, this weird story happened, where she was "going out" with Fred. (By the by, I am not afraid to write out names here anymore. This me, without censorship. Can't stand having your name here? Don't piss me off, and you won't.) That was jsut kind of weird, but rather funny. But at some point, she repeatedly hinted me as thatr she MIGHT have some feelings for him. So, being my rather direct and honest self, I asked him if he had real intentions towards her. And he said no. So yeah. Some time later on, during a casual conversation regarding relationships in general, I told him I thought she had feelings for him. Because that's me, that's what I do, I talk about my thoughts. She got rather mad at me, saying that I should mind my own business. Actually I think anything that crosses my thoughts is my business, since I was speaking about my reflexions, and aren't my reflexions quite mine? It waas just my opinion on the situation.

And then, for some reason, she decided she wouldn't speak to me again. Because (those are her words) I am "someone complicated" and she "wants a simple life" so she doesn't want me to be part of her life anymore. But not only that. She added that I "always need support" and get her "in crazy situations". I think I asked her for support maybe once in my whole fucking life, while we won't count the number of times I heard her ranting about her mother like her life situation is the worst in the world and nobody is unhappier than she is. Also, "getting her in crazy situations" is mainly, telling her that Charles was lying. That "put her in trouble". Riiiight.

To add to this, she now refuses to give me any advice concerning anything because she "doesn't want to have anything to with my stories". She also acts like a total snob to me, and asks me to give her back her books ASAP, while they are scattered around my house, and I forgot one in Fred's car. Fred doesn't even want to LOOK for that book, saying he lost it, and she tells me to arrange with him to find it. Both refuse total responsability, so I'm suppose to magically find a book that is either in a guy's car who doesn't want me to check if it's there, or lost somewhere mysterious. And my favorite purse, that I loved a lot, was in his car also and he said he "brought it somewhere he doesn't remember".

All this is quite mysterious, because, most of her reasons for not talking to me are absolutely false. They don't even make sense. So what can we suspect? She told me a hundred times that she didn't have any feelings for Fred, at all. So she's not supposed to be jealous of the fact I slept with him right? Or is she just to scared to admit it, knowing if only she would have said just the slightest thing, that she might have the tinyest feelings for him, and stopped denying it, I wouldn't have done it? Because she used to be my friend? But she's not anymore so I'm not anywhere near guilty for sleeping with guys she might love or being part of her book's loss. She treast me like a shit-pile, I'll treat her like one.

The Fred case is related. He's 100% un-critical about her, to him her way of treating me is legitimate, makes sense, and she has the right to act like she does because "it's her opinion". Fucking.. it's a form of relativism I guess and it's profoundly annoying. Also, not wanting to tell me what the hell he did with my purse and the book that was inside of it, not letting me check his car, being totally unclear about the whole matter when Camille is about to kill me saying "she has not time for this cuz she has stuff to do" (like what, I'm suppose to have nothing to do?).

Go to hell, both of you.

Next post, Jenny and Alex case! yay!



PS: I'm surviving solely because some people are actually NICE to me. Mathieu, Samir, Audrey, Mic, David, Pierre... Even if you probably won't read this, THANK YOU. Thank you so much for keeping me sane. You are the ones who talk to me like I'm a normal and interesting human being and that I actually am worth something.

This is one of those days where I want to kill everyone. And I mean really kill them, violently, tearing their body up. With loads of blood.

People I want to kill right now include (but not limited to)

-Jenny, the selfish fuck
-Camille, the fucking slut
-Seb, the snob who thinks he's so much more superior and mature
-Fred, for making things worst
-Emo Alex, for being so close minded
-Alex, for letting me leave without saying anything
-Charlotte, because she is a total bitch for no reason

just go to hell. all of you.

there are no reasons why I should censor myself and not name names.

You're all assholes.





And Mathieu is very nice to me these days. <3

Thank you for making my hell worth living through

Oh and by the way, the dance show went to amazingly well, the techs were <3 and everything worked out fine, esxcepect we aren't the school's troupe anymore, because of our stupid director, but it doesn't matter right now. We will see what we are going to do next year. But I just danced so well, can't wait to get the DVD and dining out with people you usually hate without picking fights with them is kind of amazing.

It's a good thing I hate cégep now and love my life out of cégep because... because summer is coming just too fast.

Scissor pain

Things are almost back to normal. Almost.

People are so dumb. You are all so fucking dumn. Don't you guys realize I've been telling each of you either exactly what you wanted to hear or the exact opposite since the beginning? Isn't it obvious by now? "Uh, Pav isn't very coherent, uh, she contradicts herself all the time, uh, shu must be dumb, uh?" Wow, you guys have realized?

It should be obvious when I'm laughing with A about B one day and then the next I'm with B condemning A's actions.

So I'm just an hypocritical bitch? I'm not, I'm just observing you guys.

Do you think you really know what side I'm on, or what are my ideals, what I'm fighting for? You don't know me.

Stop acting like I'm dumb when it's so obvious that I'm wearing a mask. I'm just playing a role, can't you see? I made it CLEAR!

Damn