Here I am

Here I am. I haven't posted again, not in years and years. Last time was in 2007, wasn't it? Then why am I? because I need a place to rant, to vent, to feel at home, a place no one will read, somehow.

What happened since that fateful day in 2007?

I dated David for a year and 4 months and moved in with him somwhere along the way. I left him for someone else, my current bf. I now live with him, altough I spent a year living with roommates.

When I left this blog, I was about to start my 3rd semester of Cégep. I'm currently finishing my first semester of University.

So.. so many things changed, but not most. People still hate me, and I'm still lustful.

Which is why I'm writing here.

Restless... is what I am. Utterly restless. I know this feeling. And I hope.. dear god I hope it'll fade. I can't stand in place, not even for a moment.

Oh well

It's been more than two months, but there is such a reason for this.

Last time I wrote, I was writing about a guy named David. I was saying I was scared of what was coming up between him and me.

less than 24 hours later, actually, the very same day.. we started going out together.

It's been more than 2 months.

Really? Really. All I can say is that despite everything.. I love him. I don't know how long this will last. All I know is right now, I love him and want to live my life with him. That's all that is important.

He's still not as independant as I wish he would be and I'm playing the bitchy whore again but it's still probably the best relationship I ever had. At first it troubled me so much because in many many moments he reminded me of Charles. He still does I guess..

But it won't happen, not that way, not any soon, anyways.

Speaking of Charles, I stumbled upon his msn profile. It's been a year since I last truly had a converastion with him. Joséane had told me he had changed, he was back to what he was before, I could be friends with him again. Never.

I read is profile and ended up crying out in frustration. Because the guy I knew, was friends with, the man I loved and went out with for a whole year.. is dead. Simply. He doesn't exist anymore and he never will.

I read his profile and was under the impression I was reading about a stranger.


Other than this, I dropped my job at Canadian Tire, and am now working at Hallmarks, which is much better in pretty much every way, except much more complicated too.

And the Vamp LARP turned to shit because of 3 major bitches there. Because I am against parents forcing their kids to go to private schools, I apparently am an "uneducated adolescent without a brain", a "nuisance to society", and i have "no better arguments that those of street punks" and also all my ideologies "have been proved wrong coutless times before"..

also "everyone hates" me and my boyfriend should "open his eyes and realize" how "mediocre" I am.

Do I need to specify they are going to hell and this is personal business that I will attend to... personally?

Death to my enemies: The Vendetta is declared.

Oh-my-fucking-god

I know, I know, I probably haven't written here in 2 months or something. Well, sorry, it's been summer, and nothing interesting happened.

Really.

I like, played Guild Wars, worked, and joined a live vampire the masquerade game. (and went to the L2 and otakuthon and plenty other meaningless stuff)

The Vamp game is the interesting part.

Because there is this guy (also named Dave, I guess I have something for people with that name..).. the first time I saw him I thought "Wow. Who is this? damn..."... and the second time I saw him I kept staring. and he sometimes stared back. but I thought I was hallucinating things.

Sexual tension gallore.

The third time I couldn't speak up because I was in game, in character, and he was flirting, very slightly, but it seemed so in character that 1, I didn't know if I was just imaginating things, and two, my character would never react to such a thing. So I didn'T react.

So much for the beggining. I added him on msn and 34 messages later he was proposing what ended up being a date.

Things freak me out. Things like he says he's independant but I don't know how much he really his. Things like he told me he loved/liked me sponteanously several times and I have no idea in what way he means it.

But for what I see he's just like me.

Hey, it *could* work out, don't look at me like that, I'm not getting caught up in another Charles like relationship, or anything of that kind.

I know myself now, I understood long ago that I can't fucking be honest and that I will always cheat.

It could work out.

But I don't know if I *want* it to work out.

But yesterday night had the most happenings. And I lost my concentration so often that I know it's not normal. I wasn't tired. At all. Why the hell did I kept losing concentration in the middle of a sentence, not remembering what I wanted to say?


That was strange. Somebody is playing with me, and if I talk to him about it, he will probably think it is his fault. It's not. I can sense it. Somebody or something is trying to reach me.

It might be Math. Who else? Math or Spikey.

Or Meru is waking up but that would be WAY too good. I need to talk to her though. To see if she s

God right now there isn't I need as much as people that believe in those things. Spikey, Meru, Nefara, Millenia, Maud, Mako-chan and everyone else that ever was involved in Operation Maria. Please come back to us. Now. We need you. We fucking need you. Stuff is *happening*.

I'm so sorry that I haven't written in so long..

It's not my fault, I've been so lost and busy. Busy with working like a machine for crazy hours over and over again at a job I kind of dislike. Busy making and trying to keep friends.

Busy crying because on my 18th birthday, the guy I was starting to love told me he just got back with his ex-girlfriend.

Busy throwing a tantrum because I got kicked out of CVM and I'm more than sad, I'm goddamn freaking lost and I have no idea where my life is going.

I wish things would make sense. I have to leave for my job in 10, and I really don't even feel like it. But job means money means days in Europe. And the sooner I get there the sooner I'll come back and FINALLY get an appartment. I just can't wait to be on my own.

Even if I will miss this place. Everytime I think about never roaming around my terr' at night anymore, it makes me sad. I wish there would be one last gigantic war before I left this world, one.. one or two weeks of constant fights, danger and adrenaline. When did UDC die, when did people stop caring?

Sigh.

I would, and will have loads more to say when I come back. More to say about how I ended up kicked out of Cégep, and who was that guy I was falling for anyways, and what's the story, and how rivalries are still sparking up and I am still very much alone, more than I've been for so long.

And how I miss Mathieu and how hard it was to me to say no to seeing him.

Yes, it's been a month and I really have so much to say. I'm 18 now and my life is shit. So much for "not being an angsty teen".

Terrified

I am so afraid.

I am turning 18 tomorrow. This would make any other teenager happy as hell. Finally, the power to go into bars without any fears, by cigarettes and alochol, everything.. being able to vote and to be a porn star if anything..

But I'm scared to death, and more than scared I am sad.

My whole social character, for all of my life, as been that of a kid, a brat, a street kid maybe, but still a kid. Being immature is the whole point of my existence. Damn, I'm turning 18 and my biggest fun would still be throwing rocks at cars.

People more and more tell me to be more mature and serious. To take my responsabilities. To be an adult since I'm taking the freedom an adult should take.

But where is the fun.. where is the fun to go out at night if it's not in secret? where is the fun drinking and going in bars if it's legal? what's fun about being so hardcore when it's normal because you are 18 and 18 years old people ARE as hardcore as you are? where is the fun having sex with people 10 years older than you if you're no longer underage?

Here ends my childhood.

This is the last night that I'll ever truly be myself and I'm alone because nobody is here. Nobody wants to see me.

I want to be seventeen forever. And I still feel like I'm thirteen. I'm going to miss you all so much. I love you guys

Memories..

1989 - 2007 baby... I will never die.

This is my legacy, what I'm leaving you all. My strenght (for all the broken hearts.. sylvie's death.. losing my friends..), my courage (for facing adversity for so long and standing proud of being different), my creativity (I am a dancer, an artist, and I'm someone else when I'm on stage), my ideals (forever anarchocommunistantiracist ).

I'm leaving you the streets, the dance, the stage, the tears, the laughs, the movies, the nature, the running, the fights, the yelling, the adrenaline.

Here stands a part of me that will never die. No matter what happens tomorrow. Here is a testimony: La Gamine was here, June 10th 2007. Loud as fuck, crazy as ever.

Adieu.

Almost..

Tomorrow is the last day of the semester. About 9 months have gone by since I wrote my first entry. And a lot happened, but deep down inside, I haven't changed much, I feel.

I'm using the library's computer right now, and when I tried to log on, at first I wrote my High School ID (2100701.. I'll never forget). After a year, I still did this mistake. Well, almost a year.

I miss highschool. Not Sec 5, because it was hell. But Sec 4. In miss it so deeply.

I definitely haven't changed the slightest bit.. Still nostalgic as hell, eh.

So much as happened. I spent my first semester getting done with my relationships with Charles. We broke up during mid-semester. At the same time, I got to know Mathieu during that time. And I fell in love with him. And we saw each other twice. I also failed almost all my classes. Because I didn't even feel like doing anything. Strangely enough, my memories of first semester are clouded, unclear. I don't know why. My drug consumption was at it's lowest, same goes for alcohol, so what happened? Maybe because after all, this session was quiet. It was just tears, pain, and feeling alive, and long ours of boredom, working, and being in class. It was writing letters and most of all.. Being in love. And being depressive.

It went by fast.

Then there was christmas vacation. And I saw Mathieu for the last and third time, and knew, from there on, it was going downwards. I spent much time at Koro's, and mostly did nothing. Christmas vacation was mostly utterly boring. Nothing happened, except my status was going worst and worst again, and I switched to my manic side, being caught in atrocious angst crisis, running around my bedroom at 3AM, almost screaming for something to do, and being so aggressive I could barely handle myself. I also met a lot of people, because I needed it. Most of them I don't even speak with now.

Then.. then came the winter semester. It started in a clash, with Mathieu breaking my heart by changing his msn nickname, and myself going deeply numb. And then .. to fit with my manic mood, I switched back to activist habits.. The kind of stuff I do when I'm too sad and don't want to think about it. I spent most of the semester making friends and losing others, or maybe even losing the ones I had just made, if that makes any sense. And at the moment spring was there and I was gaining back some self-confidence, a rain of bad events came in, leaving me unstable.

So here we are. I switched back to depressive. I re-fell in love with him. I lost my interest in student activism because I lost my illusions; people are too goddamn proud and stupid and elitist for any of it to work.

I still haven't changed. And I kept my resolution. After Charles and me.. After it was over. I said no more boyfriends­.

And here we are. No more boyfriends.

I don't think I regret it.

Amen.

Confessions of fears

It's been a while.. I'm sorry.

I feel very bad, ever since yesterday. Dave told me something yesterday: "So you hate rejection?" Made me realize this 'bout myself.. I don't only hate being rejected, it drives me nuts, it's an obsession and it can make me depressed to the point of auto-mutilation.

Ian rejected me once again because he once again is exclusive to another girl. It's ridiculous; I know it's not true. I know it. I know him. No matter how many times he said he changed. He's once again playing with me. He always does.

One time, one time since I know him he cracked and held me against him.


And Dave is seeing someone he doesn't want to cheat on. And it drives me nuts. I have to get close to him. I just have to. It's becoming an obsession and I think I'm becoming kind of crazy. I want to hold him, not just hug him, just hold him. For long. And he knows it. And for some reason it makes me cry, it makes me hurt.

Why, why when I have no feelings for him other than simple attraction am I so sad I can't have him?

Because I grew to hate myself, because of rejection. Because I was told so many times I was ugly when growing up that everytime I feel pretty I think it's weird. Everytime a guy says I'm pretty, I think he's lying. Everytime a boy rejects me, even if it's for a good reason that has nothing to do with me..

I hurt so hard I can hardly breathe.

And I'm so afraid... so afraid of Math sleeping with some girl.. and thinking it was better than when he did it with me.. It's all I have left of him.. that I was the last one.. It's the only reason he still thinks I'm pretty or hot sometimes. The only he reason he has not 100% lost interest.

I rarely regret sleeping with 10 guys in my life because I like sex and I don't feel guilty over it. I don't see why I should stop myself from those kinds of things that I enjoy.

The only time I regret is when I think he might consider that for me he's just another fuck. I'm afraid that because of this he doesn't see how special this night was and how entirely and thoroughly I gave myself to him.

He's the only guy I slept with I truly was in love with. Not in love like I was with Charles. Not sweet, soft, long lasting love. He's the only guy I loved with the passion I don't seem to be capable of anymore..

I fear he's my last teenage love, the last guy I'll love with so much intensity. I'm so afraid one day I'll stop loving him and this bittersweet pain will never ever come back to me again.

I'll be turning 18 in 20 days and this makes me so goddamn afraid because I'm becoming an adult, because 18 is legal, because I won't be underage anymore, because I won't be "the kid" anymore.

As is anything I does loses worth because I'm growing older.



This post is so full of fears.