Almost..

Tomorrow is the last day of the semester. About 9 months have gone by since I wrote my first entry. And a lot happened, but deep down inside, I haven't changed much, I feel.

I'm using the library's computer right now, and when I tried to log on, at first I wrote my High School ID (2100701.. I'll never forget). After a year, I still did this mistake. Well, almost a year.

I miss highschool. Not Sec 5, because it was hell. But Sec 4. In miss it so deeply.

I definitely haven't changed the slightest bit.. Still nostalgic as hell, eh.

So much as happened. I spent my first semester getting done with my relationships with Charles. We broke up during mid-semester. At the same time, I got to know Mathieu during that time. And I fell in love with him. And we saw each other twice. I also failed almost all my classes. Because I didn't even feel like doing anything. Strangely enough, my memories of first semester are clouded, unclear. I don't know why. My drug consumption was at it's lowest, same goes for alcohol, so what happened? Maybe because after all, this session was quiet. It was just tears, pain, and feeling alive, and long ours of boredom, working, and being in class. It was writing letters and most of all.. Being in love. And being depressive.

It went by fast.

Then there was christmas vacation. And I saw Mathieu for the last and third time, and knew, from there on, it was going downwards. I spent much time at Koro's, and mostly did nothing. Christmas vacation was mostly utterly boring. Nothing happened, except my status was going worst and worst again, and I switched to my manic side, being caught in atrocious angst crisis, running around my bedroom at 3AM, almost screaming for something to do, and being so aggressive I could barely handle myself. I also met a lot of people, because I needed it. Most of them I don't even speak with now.

Then.. then came the winter semester. It started in a clash, with Mathieu breaking my heart by changing his msn nickname, and myself going deeply numb. And then .. to fit with my manic mood, I switched back to activist habits.. The kind of stuff I do when I'm too sad and don't want to think about it. I spent most of the semester making friends and losing others, or maybe even losing the ones I had just made, if that makes any sense. And at the moment spring was there and I was gaining back some self-confidence, a rain of bad events came in, leaving me unstable.

So here we are. I switched back to depressive. I re-fell in love with him. I lost my interest in student activism because I lost my illusions; people are too goddamn proud and stupid and elitist for any of it to work.

I still haven't changed. And I kept my resolution. After Charles and me.. After it was over. I said no more boyfriends­.

And here we are. No more boyfriends.

I don't think I regret it.

Amen.