Confessions of fears
It's been a while.. I'm sorry.
I feel very bad, ever since yesterday. Dave told me something yesterday: "So you hate rejection?" Made me realize this 'bout myself.. I don't only hate being rejected, it drives me nuts, it's an obsession and it can make me depressed to the point of auto-mutilation.
Ian rejected me once again because he once again is exclusive to another girl. It's ridiculous; I know it's not true. I know it. I know him. No matter how many times he said he changed. He's once again playing with me. He always does.
One time, one time since I know him he cracked and held me against him.
And Dave is seeing someone he doesn't want to cheat on. And it drives me nuts. I have to get close to him. I just have to. It's becoming an obsession and I think I'm becoming kind of crazy. I want to hold him, not just hug him, just hold him. For long. And he knows it. And for some reason it makes me cry, it makes me hurt.
Why, why when I have no feelings for him other than simple attraction am I so sad I can't have him?
Because I grew to hate myself, because of rejection. Because I was told so many times I was ugly when growing up that everytime I feel pretty I think it's weird. Everytime a guy says I'm pretty, I think he's lying. Everytime a boy rejects me, even if it's for a good reason that has nothing to do with me..
I hurt so hard I can hardly breathe.
And I'm so afraid... so afraid of Math sleeping with some girl.. and thinking it was better than when he did it with me.. It's all I have left of him.. that I was the last one.. It's the only reason he still thinks I'm pretty or hot sometimes. The only he reason he has not 100% lost interest.
I rarely regret sleeping with 10 guys in my life because I like sex and I don't feel guilty over it. I don't see why I should stop myself from those kinds of things that I enjoy.
The only time I regret is when I think he might consider that for me he's just another fuck. I'm afraid that because of this he doesn't see how special this night was and how entirely and thoroughly I gave myself to him.
He's the only guy I slept with I truly was in love with. Not in love like I was with Charles. Not sweet, soft, long lasting love. He's the only guy I loved with the passion I don't seem to be capable of anymore..
I fear he's my last teenage love, the last guy I'll love with so much intensity. I'm so afraid one day I'll stop loving him and this bittersweet pain will never ever come back to me again.
I'll be turning 18 in 20 days and this makes me so goddamn afraid because I'm becoming an adult, because 18 is legal, because I won't be underage anymore, because I won't be "the kid" anymore.
As is anything I does loses worth because I'm growing older.
This post is so full of fears.
I feel very bad, ever since yesterday. Dave told me something yesterday: "So you hate rejection?" Made me realize this 'bout myself.. I don't only hate being rejected, it drives me nuts, it's an obsession and it can make me depressed to the point of auto-mutilation.
Ian rejected me once again because he once again is exclusive to another girl. It's ridiculous; I know it's not true. I know it. I know him. No matter how many times he said he changed. He's once again playing with me. He always does.
One time, one time since I know him he cracked and held me against him.
And Dave is seeing someone he doesn't want to cheat on. And it drives me nuts. I have to get close to him. I just have to. It's becoming an obsession and I think I'm becoming kind of crazy. I want to hold him, not just hug him, just hold him. For long. And he knows it. And for some reason it makes me cry, it makes me hurt.
Why, why when I have no feelings for him other than simple attraction am I so sad I can't have him?
Because I grew to hate myself, because of rejection. Because I was told so many times I was ugly when growing up that everytime I feel pretty I think it's weird. Everytime a guy says I'm pretty, I think he's lying. Everytime a boy rejects me, even if it's for a good reason that has nothing to do with me..
I hurt so hard I can hardly breathe.
And I'm so afraid... so afraid of Math sleeping with some girl.. and thinking it was better than when he did it with me.. It's all I have left of him.. that I was the last one.. It's the only reason he still thinks I'm pretty or hot sometimes. The only he reason he has not 100% lost interest.
I rarely regret sleeping with 10 guys in my life because I like sex and I don't feel guilty over it. I don't see why I should stop myself from those kinds of things that I enjoy.
The only time I regret is when I think he might consider that for me he's just another fuck. I'm afraid that because of this he doesn't see how special this night was and how entirely and thoroughly I gave myself to him.
He's the only guy I slept with I truly was in love with. Not in love like I was with Charles. Not sweet, soft, long lasting love. He's the only guy I loved with the passion I don't seem to be capable of anymore..
I fear he's my last teenage love, the last guy I'll love with so much intensity. I'm so afraid one day I'll stop loving him and this bittersweet pain will never ever come back to me again.
I'll be turning 18 in 20 days and this makes me so goddamn afraid because I'm becoming an adult, because 18 is legal, because I won't be underage anymore, because I won't be "the kid" anymore.
As is anything I does loses worth because I'm growing older.
This post is so full of fears.
posted by Pavlova @ 5:54 AM
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