Mad world

... I still love him.

Even if he did the worst stuffm even if he just wants me for sex now. No matter what. I still love him. When he tells me.. when he tells me what he'd do to me if we were any nearer, I can't stop those shivers. I just can't. It's just the same way things were back in december, except there is no more hope.

Still his words haunt me. "You are perfect". "You are all I ever wanted". I know he doesn't think the same now, and that is the ironic part. Because at that moment it was so true. And it's still true because I haven't changed.

...I'm still perfect. I wish I was. But I am... To me, I am, I am the way I should be. Short. Smart. Literate. Artistic. Aggressive. Anarchist. Unstable. Emotional. Obsessive. Natural. Sexy.

Yes I do believe I am all those things. Are any of those girls as complex as me?

Are any of those girls half as intelligent as I am?

But why would he want a complex, or intelligent girl, when he could have a sweet, candid, mainstream average girl? Aren't they more convenient? Nice. Pretty. Feminine. Friendly. Smiling. Down to earth.

I guess it's better that way. ...No I don't but I'll pretend. I always do.

Why?

Why is it always when I should be in class that I find the time/need to write here?

Dear journal, I do not remember what I told you last, because it's been so long. Like, a month. I'm so sorry, I should be writing everyday. There should be 365 entries a year, not 52.. or even less.

What happened? Strike and illegal occupation of the Cégep. Everything went well and the demonstration was kind of big, but only kind of..

Math stopped talking to me, than started again, and I'm still mixed up as hell, but I know there is no more hope. Ever since that night where he told me "It's your problem if you feel pain".. I can't forgive him.

Then I met new people, and old friends stopped talking to me, and some started speaking to me again. The usual, and I'm still pondering what style I should be up to this summer. I guess a mix of my usual three. I guess.

Dance show is coming up in less than 10 days, we're ready, but not quite, it's kind of weird and the tension is very high right now, and I'm not feeling very good about it. I just want it to be done, and over. Still I can't wait. Can't wait to be up on the stage once again. It's the only place I feel at home. It's the only place I can be myself without boundaries.

I should be in French class. I should.

Why does every guy out there think I'm in love with them? I don't fall in love. I just don't. I loved one person and he killed every drop of humanity that was left in me. I still love him. Kind of. Hopelessly. Endlessly.

I also hate being torn between the two sides in a war. Nobody that reads this will understand since I think none of my few readers go to the same Cégep I do.. But I swear I hate it.

And they government un-freezed the tuition fees.. it's now official.. How disgusting.. We're in need of some MAJOR strike. And rampage. I can't believe nobody reacted strongly yet. *Sigh*

Right now I just really don't know what to do. I don't even know what I want. I'm.. I'm drifting away from this students union shit, and my other cégep friends already gave up on me, and i don't fit in much elsewhere, and what will happen if I go back to Ste-Thérèse next summer? Because there will be nothing else to do.. Do they still hate me? Should I? Shouldn't I?

I promise I'll write again tomorrow.

Hey, asshole

Just like WHAT THE HELL!

I hate him! Hate him! I want him to fucking die! I mean..

How come it's so hard just to push 10 puttons on a freakin dial-tone goddamn phone and say my first name and just hang up JUST SO THAT I CAN GET OVER IT

Okay FINE it's not your fault if you don't love me, it's not your fault I'm so stupid, but if making it end, if making all the pain end for me is so easy, WHY DON'T YOU JUST DO IT?

Do you LIKE seeing me suffer or what?

Jerk.