Nintendo Wii

The night between november 18 and 19th, I went to camp outside futureshop with a bunch of old friends and also and bunch of people I barely knew, all thsi just to buy a video game console. Because I guess felt once again the urge to prove I'm a real tomboy and a real geek and that I kick ass and camp outside futureshops.

When will I stop being so goddamn immature?

On another hand, people are stupid. Can anyone here believe Minh-Nhat is actually BLAMING Ahn Tu because she chose Étienne over him? Come on, how can he be so mean, just basically saying "I never was your friend, you're so stupid and naive". Yeah *right*.

Doesn't this ring a bell, my friends? Hasn't he told me the exact same shit almost 3 years ago? Is it just me or should I think he could have matured a bit through high school?

Last news, he ran away from home. Well, asshole, I just hope you die on the streets, and you better not cross my path. You have NO right to hurt Ahn Tu. If at least he had told her "I don't want to remain your friend because I still love you.." but no he's just being fucking stupid proud and trying to hurt her. I just hope she's stronger than that.

Somehow I hope he'll read this.

I won't talk to Mathieu for maybe a week. Argh.

I'm sorry, it's been two weeks

Haven't posted in a while. Not that it had anything to do with me having nothing to say. I have loads of shit to say.

I slept with the first guy almost instinctively, because he acted like he wanted me. It wasn't bad. But I felt sick later on. Physically. Emotionally too, I guess. Because Apocalyptica's version of "Nothing else matters" was playing in the background. Because this was me and Arsenik's song in goddamn summer 05. And because it brought back memories of me crying at Apocalyptica's live.

I slept with the second guy because I was drunk, I had to prove myself I wasn't a kid anymore. This was so typical. Yet... it was fun. And I didn't feel sick as much. I just felt soar. I payed him a drink later on. How mature is that, eh. Tsss.

I slept with the third guy because I could. I felt proud after. And relieved. And it was good. I'm starting to get used to this, I guess. Whoring myself out. The problem with sex is that the more that you get, the more that you want. I thought after this I'd be good for at least a week. Groundbreaking news, friends: Sex is addictive.

Yet none of those guys were the man I love and guess this explains why I wasn't 100% satisfied. Yet he gave me a beautiful gift on friday night, a gift of words. I feel relieved.

I need to see him before X-Mas.

More blabbering later on, about TSO's live and the nintendo Wii.

My precious..

He's making me go mad... I don't even mind not seeing him anymore, or him not loving me. He's just making me feek.. hot. Wonderful. God, words can't even express it. I feel like I had not felt for.. months? Even years maybe? I feel *alive*. The pain I feel is a good kinf of pain, the one that burns from inside, it's like tear of joy. The feeling is just.. overwhelming.

It's indecency, it's desire, it's passion, it's fire, it's... cliché. It's so me-like, and that's why I feel alive, that's why I feel this way, it's just because it had been so long since I had felt this way, since I had felt like myself. I passed more or less the last year masquerading into this oh-so-sweet kind of person that I'm NOT, just to be able to survive.

Well let me tell you, Pav-Chan is back to kick ass! Face it: More dance classes, more bad grades, more clubbing, more one night strands, more alcohol, more passion, drum lessons starting again, learning to sing, going to shows, meeting new people..

I'm here, I'm back. Fuck depression. I don't even mind it, the pain is part of me, the sadness is part of me. Who would I be if I had never gone through all that shit? Nadie. No one. My intensity of contradiction between pain and happiness, depressive and manic, joy and sadness, everything, is what makes me who I am. I AM a tortured soul, I AM a lost mind. Why try to be sane and decent? That's not me. I am tears in your eyes, I am grief, I am lies, and I'm loving it!

So what if I cry everyday? I also laugh everyday. Even things out.

Anyways, gotta run.

Dirty

I feel so dirty.

On October 28th I met this 27 years old guy who asked me for my phone number, which I gave him. A week later he was calling me so we could go take a coffee. I accepted, but we ended up having a drink or two instead. It was a fun little evening and we promised to call each other back.

Once again a week later he called me, proposing that we go to a rave together yesterday night. I pondered and then chose to accept the proposition.

We went for a drink before, and then to the rave, which we barely stayed at. We mainly.. made out there... And then he invited me over at his apartment and I accepted.

I feel dirty. We haven't slept together and I'm proud... I slept in his arms and it felt good. But he called me by my real name and this hurt me so much I couldn't even tell him.

I felt dirty towards myself for being once again a prisoner of sex, I felt dirty towards him because he keeps paying me stuff all the time and I managed to escape what looked like something that was going towards... a confession?

And I feel dirty towards the person I love. Not that he cares, anyways. But he's the one I love.

I hate myself.

Going crazy

I swear he's driving me mad. In a good way. God how I wish that he was close. How cruel is that, finding the perfect someone, who actually does like you, and they live freakin' far away.

Well, let's just say it's worth it. Yeah, the pain of not being able to see him is worth the fact of knowing someone who's so.. Smart? Nice? Interesting? Hot? Everything?

Damn, I'm so pathetic.

Hope he'll never read this.

... I think I'm in love.