Quick update

Hey, I'm back. Sorry, not posting much these days, everything has been.. how should I put it.. Hectic?

First off, Mathieu has blocked me off msn and barely answers my emails anymore. Because I said I wanted to die. I don't get him, he doesn't want me to lie, but he doesn't want me to say the truth either. I'm very confused over this, especially since in his last email he said "We'll have to speak once again soon". Why? When? What the hell does that mean? *Sigh*

Secundo, Strike has been voted for Thursday, March 29th in my dear Cégep. This made me very, very happy, because I was so afraid people would vote "No". Well, it's all yes now, and we're having a bed-in tomorrow, which I'm also very excited about. I feel like a little girl. These kinds of things.. are what I live for, right now.

I've got 2 job interviews, and I'm wondering which I should choose (Working at D-Tox or for the Government (Tourism to be more precise) ?)

Also, I'm very disapointed with the elections results. PLQ, ADQ opposition.. and no QS even elected. Absentionism seems to have raised once again, though, which is, I guess, a good thing.

I need rewrite my long arcticle ("Views on Anarchism and it's Schools of Thought") but I really don't have much time right now. To top it off, I should be doing Spanish & German lab right now, which I'm not doing at all.

Naked and alone

Naked in front of this screen.

Crying.

Arm's crying too.

Blood.



Angst.

All that's done's forgiven

It's been 2 months since we've seen each other for the last time.. The longest we have gone without seeing each other since the first time we saw each other, and actually, since we started talking at the end of this summer.

2 months of going downwards like I wished so hard we would never go. "Us" an "us" that never really was, but that I prayed for it, the hardest that a girl who doesn't believe in god can pray.. And it never worked but..

I haven't changed the slightest bit, I'm stil myself, I'm still Pav, I'm still Gabrielle.. I'm still the one I was in august of 2006, trust me.. I tried, I tried to be honest, to show all of my flaws, to be sure you knew who I was.. but it's only now.. that you seem to uncover the side of me everybody hates so much..

I have to admit, yes, yes I hoped, I wished, I prayed, I believed for a split-fucking-second that it was true.. that I was.. as perfect as you named me.. Yes, I admit I thought maybe I could be the perfect one for you.. Maybe..

I'll never be perfect enough for anyone.. that's all.. there is to it, really.

Can't you see how much I hate myself for not being the one you would have wanted me to be?

It's not the pain that I hate, the pain keeps me alive, I prefer crying for you than kissing him ever again... Can you forgive me for trying again? Ever since our lips touched for the first time I have been unable to touch any other man without thinking of you. I'd kill to turn back time, do you know this? But what I fear the most is doing so and realizing no matter what I do, this happens over and over again, that no matter what.. Your opinion of me will worsen..

I feel like a prisoner of my own body, trying to reach out to you, blocked by my own stupid little self.. I'm still the same person I swear.. then why.. is this different now.. I still feel for you the way I always did..

You make everything I had known before seem pointless and puny, do you know that? I am no one without you.. I am nothing.. This may seem quite an extreme speech but.. This is but a mirror of what you told me yourself months ago..

Just a proof of how much things changed.

I know you can't do anything but say you are sorry, I know you can't force yourself. I am just speaking, trying to put words on feelings that are like a tornado inside of me.. Will I ever.. hold you against me once again.. ever again? You keep saying yes, one day.. But..

Can I still trust you? Should I? I want to but SHOULD I?


I don't even feel like dancing tonight, too much introspection, too much.. thoughts swirling around.. I'm lost.. I re-read every email I have written to you, especially the ones I was too scared to send, I re-read my blog, every message about you that you never read and you just don't want to read.. I wish.. you would..

It's just so scary to me.. It's like rushing at 150mph and seeing the wall in front of you and knowing your brakes are broken.. and seeing the wall closing in.. faster and faster..

But I'm way past that point, the moment you told me that .. it was over (you never actually said it, and there really never was something going on so how can it be over? but you know what I mean) I collided with this wall, breaking my shield of illusions.. Pavlova died for the sake of Gabrielle

Do you even realize how hard it was for me to let you call me by my first name?

I miss you.

I miss you

I miss him so much.. What should I do? I'm still lost right now. I feel like the stupidest person on earth when just about anyone talks to me.. I feel like I'm worth nothing right now.. People.. stop.. acting like I'm so dumb..

Please

I'm.. breaking... apart..

Couldn’t save you from the start
Love you so it hurts my soul
Can you forgive me for trying again?
Your silence makes me hold my breath
All the time has passed you by

Ooo, for so long I’ve tried to shield you from the world
Ooo, you couldn’t face the freedom on your own
Here I am
Left in silence

I watched the clouds drifting away
Still the sun can’t warm my face
I know it was destined to go wrong
You were looking for the greatest escape
To chase your demons away

Ooo, for so I long I’ve tried to shield you from the world
Ooo, you couldn’t face the freedom on your own
Here I am
Left in silence

I’ve been so lost since you’ve gone
Why not me before you?
Why did fate deceive me?
Everything turned out so wrong
Why did you leave me in silence?

You gave up the fight
You left me behind
All that's done is forgiven
You’ll always be mine
I know deep inside
All that's done is forgiven

(Within Temptation - Forgiven)