All that's done's forgiven

It's been 2 months since we've seen each other for the last time.. The longest we have gone without seeing each other since the first time we saw each other, and actually, since we started talking at the end of this summer.

2 months of going downwards like I wished so hard we would never go. "Us" an "us" that never really was, but that I prayed for it, the hardest that a girl who doesn't believe in god can pray.. And it never worked but..

I haven't changed the slightest bit, I'm stil myself, I'm still Pav, I'm still Gabrielle.. I'm still the one I was in august of 2006, trust me.. I tried, I tried to be honest, to show all of my flaws, to be sure you knew who I was.. but it's only now.. that you seem to uncover the side of me everybody hates so much..

I have to admit, yes, yes I hoped, I wished, I prayed, I believed for a split-fucking-second that it was true.. that I was.. as perfect as you named me.. Yes, I admit I thought maybe I could be the perfect one for you.. Maybe..

I'll never be perfect enough for anyone.. that's all.. there is to it, really.

Can't you see how much I hate myself for not being the one you would have wanted me to be?

It's not the pain that I hate, the pain keeps me alive, I prefer crying for you than kissing him ever again... Can you forgive me for trying again? Ever since our lips touched for the first time I have been unable to touch any other man without thinking of you. I'd kill to turn back time, do you know this? But what I fear the most is doing so and realizing no matter what I do, this happens over and over again, that no matter what.. Your opinion of me will worsen..

I feel like a prisoner of my own body, trying to reach out to you, blocked by my own stupid little self.. I'm still the same person I swear.. then why.. is this different now.. I still feel for you the way I always did..

You make everything I had known before seem pointless and puny, do you know that? I am no one without you.. I am nothing.. This may seem quite an extreme speech but.. This is but a mirror of what you told me yourself months ago..

Just a proof of how much things changed.

I know you can't do anything but say you are sorry, I know you can't force yourself. I am just speaking, trying to put words on feelings that are like a tornado inside of me.. Will I ever.. hold you against me once again.. ever again? You keep saying yes, one day.. But..

Can I still trust you? Should I? I want to but SHOULD I?


I don't even feel like dancing tonight, too much introspection, too much.. thoughts swirling around.. I'm lost.. I re-read every email I have written to you, especially the ones I was too scared to send, I re-read my blog, every message about you that you never read and you just don't want to read.. I wish.. you would..

It's just so scary to me.. It's like rushing at 150mph and seeing the wall in front of you and knowing your brakes are broken.. and seeing the wall closing in.. faster and faster..

But I'm way past that point, the moment you told me that .. it was over (you never actually said it, and there really never was something going on so how can it be over? but you know what I mean) I collided with this wall, breaking my shield of illusions.. Pavlova died for the sake of Gabrielle

Do you even realize how hard it was for me to let you call me by my first name?

I miss you.