Nox (the homeless guy I met a week ago) made another apperance today. He had disappeared for a week. Whatever. At least he's a live, but I think he lost his kitten.
... I feel freaking lost. I never, ever thought I'd miss regina eventually. But somehow, looking at all the prom pictures, I do. I don't really miss the events everyday, I never tell myself "Ah, it's sad, because I feel the need to get some coffee at bar santé with Camille" and so on.
What makes me sad is, that everything that happened everyday for five years will never, ever happen again. It's not just a long time without seeing people. We're off. Forever. And this hurts more than I expected. I have too many regrets. It's already been the quarter of a year since we left these walls. And I'm starting to feel the smell of depression and sorrow lingering back into my daily life.
I miss you guys. I swear. Even my worst ennemies. Tss.
And you all know the other thing that make me sad. Okay, when I proposed an OPEN relationship, I meant like, once in a while, having a different partner for a night. Being allowed to flirt. NOT A FREAKING MARATHON TO FUCK EVERY PERSON OUT THERE! Damnit! I'm so tired of his fucking little popularity trip! He's not even ATTRACTED to half those girls! How can he say he's gay and not attracted to girls than fuck 5-6 of them in a freaking week! I know he's just saying he's gay to hurt me more. Of course he won't tell THEM that he's gay.
Fuck, why did you change so much? I don't love you. I loved a Pirate-Metalhead-Hobo. You're just a self-conscious fashion-whore. Tss, it seems like you are so bedazzled by the sudden interest girls take in you that you can't keep your hands of them. If only you'd realize you already had this much attention, you just felt.. mature enough not to pay attention. Damn, I acted that way when I was freaking FIFTEEN YEARS OLD! I kissed 3 boys and 2 girls at a party and I felt proud of myself! YOU'RE GODDAMN TWENTY! AND PRETENDING YOU'RE SO MUCH MORE MATURE THAN ME! Truth is you fucking AREN'T! You're just a freakin' kid and I'll never EVER let you act towards me like your superior because of your age/life experience/sex experience/elitist tendencies EVER AGAIN.
Damn, hearing you say you were a whore was funny when it was just a game. Now it's true, and you don't realise how degrading it is to me. You don't even freakin' care about me anymore. And I'm suppose to bear that because "I did the same thing this summer" which is so false because I fucked like 2 other guys this summer, not freaking 10! And I only did it to prove I was NORMAL and you're the one that had me to FORCED to prove this!
And you cheated on me first and you goddamn know it..
"I'm not easy to get into bed at all, I refused plenty of girls" Yeah, and what is that suppose to prove? It's so easy to get you into bed, you just have to act slutty and cute and feminine and then slutty again and show loads of attention to you and you'll say yes.
I hate you.
