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First day of elections

Haven't even voted myself yet

..

Wish me luck


Really

Hell

Cégep -­­­> AGECVM-> Elections -> Hell

That is all there is to it. Really.

Valentine's day

Valentine's day alone again.. the last time was in 2002 and this is kinda sad, it's been 5 years and I'm back again to this freakin, hellish mental state that I hate so much..

Where have you gone, pure love, happy moments? I should have known the equilibrium was meant to melt away and I should have been happy of what happened to me.. I miss it now.

I miss you.

Why are you drifitng away? Why can't I bring you back? I tried everything. You said "Accept them changes"..

I can't. I'm sorry but I can't. I don't want to.

Valentine's Day alone again, and I have no one to say "I love you" to. No more virginity to lose. No more gifts to give, or miles to walk under the snow to bring stupid letters.

I could still catch a bus and go see you somehow. You'd hate me for it. I should suicide instead.

Just joking, really.

I know it's pointless, it's finished, the end has come. I FUCKING KNOW FUCKING IT FUCK! So you people should just STOP telling me "it's over, you know" and "get over it"... I'M NOT GETTING OVER IT, OKAY?!

I hate everyone, I hate being torn between assholes that like me and intelligent people that think I'm an asshole, I hate being.. me, I hate this life..

I hate not being able to sing, I hate my overloaded schedule, my lack of capacity, my shy-ness, my ­... everything. I hate me. And I hate him for leaving me alone. I bet he won't be online tonight, at all.. And I'll be alone.. Crying if I can get the tears out.. this hasn't happened in so long.

I should be doing schoolwork right now. But I don't feel like it. I still have a few hours to do so, so..

Eh.

I think my fucking infection is back. I think I need to go back to CLSC again and this makes me cringe. But oh well what can a girl do. Next tuesday. Next tuesday I will.

Oh, and I finally got to see Danny.

Week end rant

This week-end was more than shitty. On Saturday morning, I got up early to do my homework and then went to ballet class. Up to there, everything was fantastic. And then.. I went to meet some people up at Cégep for somethign and THEY FUCKING NEVER SHOWED UP! And then, I was supposed to see Danny, and he wouldn't fucking answer, so I called home and had Audrey check what people told me on msn, and what did he say while I was already gone? HE WAS CANCELLING.

Damn. So I went over to Koro's place and we watched Kiddy Grade. Then on Sunday I got up early, went to Irulanne's place and realized how much I am the weakest singer and no matter how hard I work, I can't pull it off like I should. I know I'm the one who does the most vocalises and so on, I practice hard every day and it doesn't seem to be leading anywhere... I hate myself.

I guess I'd need some real singing lessons but I don't have money, or time, for this. At all.

So whatever, after this I went back to Cégep and couldn't get the friggin printer to work so it was once again, work for nothing. So I went back to Koro's place to keep on watching Kiddy Grade. Lumière rocks. I love her utterly.

German class is very soon so I should be going but eh.

I had this big conversation with Math yesterday... I hate how he goes away when we're not done on an important topic but I know I'm not important enough for this. So I wrote him an email.

Funky how I'm not afraid to speak about him here 'cause I know he'll never read it.. And HE HAS the URL.

Eh. So yeah, have fun people. I'll just survive, ne?

I hate having so many questions burning my lips and not being able to ask them out loud.

Does he miss me?
Does he still think about me sometimes?
Does he still want me?
Does he feel as incomplete as I feel?
Does he care anymore?

Hey

I write pretty often these days. Well, what to say: For all my pain, all I got are some lame excuses and lousy explications?

Well at least I guess it's one good thing done, he doesn't protest that we actually are growing apart. But he said I'd never see him again because it would be better for me that way and that hurt so much I almost .. cried out in pain.

But I didn't.

I didn't even cry once.

I'm still sitting in the library writing this, waiting until it is 2 to go do my german lab... What a boring life, and I already have a shitload of homework to do, and I HATE my Philosophy teacher, and and and..

Woah. There has been so much emotions going through me in the last few days/weeks that sometimes I'm taken aback by my own attitude. I know I have done some very unwise moves lately and.. Well sometimes I just wish it wasn't too late to come back. But it is, I fear.

I wish

I wish I could just hold him against me one last time. I just I could see him just once more. Meet his eyes. Kiss him. One last time.

I knew it was the last time. But still.

It hurts like a bitch. I'm tired but I can't sleep. I'm too bored too even play drums, sing or dance. I have loads of shit to do. Later. Just a bit later. I'll do it. I don't want him to think I'm weak.

I still can't stop thinking about him. I haven't really cried yet. I miss him so much, even more now that I know.. that.. it's.. over.

It's over.

300 tears
30 thoughts
3 words
It-is-over.


Listening to Tryo. Shaking like hell. Pain is starting to come through my walls. Can't help it. I'm not going that well. Really. I'll survive but not as easily as I first thought. I'm afraid of him coming online. I'll probably crack at that point.

I thought.. I.. maybe after all that shit maybe I deserved this mix of pain and joy instead of pain and emptiness. I guess I was mistaken. How the hell will I survive? HOW?

I love you.

Stupid truth, why can't you be untrue?

Where is Kass? Where is Audrey? Where is Koro? Where is Mako? Where is.. everyone? Why the hell am I here, alone, when my FUCKING GODDAMN WORLD IS FALLING APART?

I don't wanna cry. I've been blocking the tears out for hours. I'm afraid of when I'll crack. I'm afraid of everything. I was afraid of this moment for the past 5 months and now it's happening and I'm falling... so fast.. I can't grasp reality anymore... If reality exists, anyway..

I thought I wasn't loving him as much anymore and now is when I realize how false and illusionary all of it was... I.. hate this life.. I hate everything.. Damn I know I sound like I'm 13 years old again.. I FEEL like I'm 13 years old again..

The End

He has someone else.

He changed his msn nickname.

I knew this was coming; it hurts nonetheless.

I woke up this morning with "Memorial Address" strolling in my mind. From there on, I knew something was wrong. Sayonara ne... I just had to check my msn to know it all. I knew the end was coming. But no matter what I said, it aws like an atomic bomb had fell on my head. I was falling straight back to my oblivion, an oblivion I knew just a bit too well, judging by my quick reflexes: Broken hearted msn nickname, tearing off his picture from my locker at Cégep, and so on.

I even brought my laptop here to listen to music on the way back home because I know I won't survive without it.

Someone remind me to watch my wool jacket and my black halter top when I get home, ne?

Don't worry guys, I'll survive. It's just a bit chaotic in my mind right now, not to say, completely hectic. But I'll make through, I always do. Actually... It's not as bad as I thought it would be. I guess for once I'm lucky that I'm not on depressive side anymore. I hated it the minute I switched to manic but now I'm kind of thankful.

Thank you, bipolar disorder.

I don't wanna make him feel bad, but I'll do it anyways, just because it's me. Once I'm done writing this post and cross-posting it to skyblog, I'll write him a final email.

Maybe it's the last time I talk about him here. And it's terrible in a way because...

How could I put that.. I started this blog with Cégep. And I started knowing more with Cégep. Charles ended with Cégep. The beginning of the changes in my life all came with this.

I wish I could say "I feel so empty" but it's not true. Something hurts like shit deep down inside. A constant, brutal pain, the kind you get when someone breaks your heart, and only then, really. Fucking pain. I feel like he tore off a part of me. And it's true.

I'm incomplete without you.

I shoukd be heading back home but I don't want to linger in my room when the reason I've been in my room so much these days is the fact I wouldn't get off msn just in case he'd go online.

I know it's not really my fault. That I did my best at what I'm worst at (romance). But I still feel like the stupidest shitty little girl ever. I don't know what to do. What the hell will I do when I get home? Play my Wii? Go over to Place Rosemère? Everything single fucking little thing reminds me of him.

I can't even cut myself or do drugs because I know he'd think it's pathetic. I hate how even after it has ended, everything I decide is function of him.

Mathieu, I hate you.

.... The worst part being I don't wanna stop loving him just in case... Just in case...

I HATE MYSELF.

Life's a bitch

PS: Danny said he was sorry for not showing up yesterday. I guess I forgive him.
PS2: My french class will be amazing. I'm so getting amazing grades this semester. I swear.
PS3: I'm strong. I'll be strong. Don't worry for me guys. I'll survive. Trust me.