A Gothic Romance: Red Roses for the Devil's Whore

Here I am

2010-11-30T17:11:00.000-08:00

Here I am. I haven't posted again, not in years and years. Last time was in 2007, wasn't it? Then why am I? because I need a place to rant, to vent, to feel at home, a place no one will read, somehow.

What happened since that fateful day in 2007?

I dated David for a year and 4 months and moved in with him somwhere along the way. I left him for someone else, my current bf. I now live with him, altough I spent a year living with roommates.

When I left this blog, I was about to start my 3rd semester of Cégep. I'm currently finishing my first semester of University.

So.. so many things changed, but not most. People still hate me, and I'm still lustful.

Which is why I'm writing here.

Restless... is what I am. Utterly restless. I know this feeling. And I hope.. dear god I hope it'll fade. I can't stand in place, not even for a moment.

Oh well

2007-11-08T21:01:00.000-08:00

It's been more than two months, but there is such a reason for this.

Last time I wrote, I was writing about a guy named David. I was saying I was scared of what was coming up between him and me.

less than 24 hours later, actually, the very same day.. we started going out together.

It's been more than 2 months.

Really? Really. All I can say is that despite everything.. I love him. I don't know how long this will last. All I know is right now, I love him and want to live my life with him. That's all that is important.

He's still not as independant as I wish he would be and I'm playing the bitchy whore again but it's still probably the best relationship I ever had. At first it troubled me so much because in many many moments he reminded me of Charles. He still does I guess..

But it won't happen, not that way, not any soon, anyways.

Speaking of Charles, I stumbled upon his msn profile. It's been a year since I last truly had a converastion with him. Joséane had told me he had changed, he was back to what he was before, I could be friends with him again. Never.

I read is profile and ended up crying out in frustration. Because the guy I knew, was friends with, the man I loved and went out with for a whole year.. is dead. Simply. He doesn't exist anymore and he never will.

I read his profile and was under the impression I was reading about a stranger.

Other than this, I dropped my job at Canadian Tire, and am now working at Hallmarks, which is much better in pretty much every way, except much more complicated too.

And the Vamp LARP turned to shit because of 3 major bitches there. Because I am against parents forcing their kids to go to private schools, I apparently am an "uneducated adolescent without a brain", a "nuisance to society", and i have "no better arguments that those of street punks" and also all my ideologies "have been proved wrong coutless times before"..

also "everyone hates" me and my boyfriend should "open his eyes and realize" how "mediocre" I am.

Do I need to specify they are going to hell and this is personal business that I will attend to... personally?

Death to my enemies: The Vendetta is declared.

Oh-my-fucking-god

2007-09-02T07:10:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, I probably haven't written here in 2 months or something. Well, sorry, it's been summer, and nothing interesting happened.

Really.

I like, played Guild Wars, worked, and joined a live vampire the masquerade game. (and went to the L2 and otakuthon and plenty other meaningless stuff)

The Vamp game is the interesting part.

Because there is this guy (also named Dave, I guess I have something for people with that name..).. the first time I saw him I thought "Wow. Who is this? damn..."... and the second time I saw him I kept staring. and he sometimes stared back. but I thought I was hallucinating things.

Sexual tension gallore.

The third time I couldn't speak up because I was in game, in character, and he was flirting, very slightly, but it seemed so in character that 1, I didn't know if I was just imaginating things, and two, my character would never react to such a thing. So I didn'T react.

So much for the beggining. I added him on msn and 34 messages later he was proposing what ended up being a date.

Things freak me out. Things like he says he's independant but I don't know how much he really his. Things like he told me he loved/liked me sponteanously several times and I have no idea in what way he means it.

But for what I see he's just like me.

Hey, it *could* work out, don't look at me like that, I'm not getting caught up in another Charles like relationship, or anything of that kind.

I know myself now, I understood long ago that I can't fucking be honest and that I will always cheat.

It could work out.

But I don't know if I *want* it to work out.

But yesterday night had the most happenings. And I lost my concentration so often that I know it's not normal. I wasn't tired. At all. Why the hell did I kept losing concentration in the middle of a sentence, not remembering what I wanted to say?

That was strange. Somebody is playing with me, and if I talk to him about it, he will probably think it is his fault. It's not. I can sense it. Somebody or something is trying to reach me.

It might be Math. Who else? Math or Spikey.

Or Meru is waking up but that would be WAY too good. I need to talk to her though. To see if she s

God right now there isn't I need as much as people that believe in those things. Spikey, Meru, Nefara, Millenia, Maud, Mako-chan and everyone else that ever was involved in Operation Maria. Please come back to us. Now. We need you. We fucking need you. Stuff is *happening*.

2007-07-10T12:54:00.000-07:00

I'm so sorry that I haven't written in so long..

It's not my fault, I've been so lost and busy. Busy with working like a machine for crazy hours over and over again at a job I kind of dislike. Busy making and trying to keep friends.

Busy crying because on my 18th birthday, the guy I was starting to love told me he just got back with his ex-girlfriend.

Busy throwing a tantrum because I got kicked out of CVM and I'm more than sad, I'm goddamn freaking lost and I have no idea where my life is going.

I wish things would make sense. I have to leave for my job in 10, and I really don't even feel like it. But job means money means days in Europe. And the sooner I get there the sooner I'll come back and FINALLY get an appartment. I just can't wait to be on my own.

Even if I will miss this place. Everytime I think about never roaming around my terr' at night anymore, it makes me sad. I wish there would be one last gigantic war before I left this world, one.. one or two weeks of constant fights, danger and adrenaline. When did UDC die, when did people stop caring?

Sigh.

I would, and will have loads more to say when I come back. More to say about how I ended up kicked out of Cégep, and who was that guy I was falling for anyways, and what's the story, and how rivalries are still sparking up and I am still very much alone, more than I've been for so long.

And how I miss Mathieu and how hard it was to me to say no to seeing him.

Yes, it's been a month and I really have so much to say. I'm 18 now and my life is shit. So much for "not being an angsty teen".

Terrified

2007-06-09T15:10:00.001-07:00

I am so afraid.

I am turning 18 tomorrow. This would make any other teenager happy as hell. Finally, the power to go into bars without any fears, by cigarettes and alochol, everything.. being able to vote and to be a porn star if anything..

But I'm scared to death, and more than scared I am sad.

My whole social character, for all of my life, as been that of a kid, a brat, a street kid maybe, but still a kid. Being immature is the whole point of my existence. Damn, I'm turning 18 and my biggest fun would still be throwing rocks at cars.

People more and more tell me to be more mature and serious. To take my responsabilities. To be an adult since I'm taking the freedom an adult should take.

But where is the fun.. where is the fun to go out at night if it's not in secret? where is the fun drinking and going in bars if it's legal? what's fun about being so hardcore when it's normal because you are 18 and 18 years old people ARE as hardcore as you are? where is the fun having sex with people 10 years older than you if you're no longer underage?

Here ends my childhood.

This is the last night that I'll ever truly be myself and I'm alone because nobody is here. Nobody wants to see me.

I want to be seventeen forever. And I still feel like I'm thirteen. I'm going to miss you all so much. I love you guys

Memories..

1989 - 2007 baby... I will never die.

This is my legacy, what I'm leaving you all. My strenght (for all the broken hearts.. sylvie's death.. losing my friends..), my courage (for facing adversity for so long and standing proud of being different), my creativity (I am a dancer, an artist, and I'm someone else when I'm on stage), my ideals (forever anarchocommunistantiracist ).

I'm leaving you the streets, the dance, the stage, the tears, the laughs, the movies, the nature, the running, the fights, the yelling, the adrenaline.

Here stands a part of me that will never die. No matter what happens tomorrow. Here is a testimony: La Gamine was here, June 10th 2007. Loud as fuck, crazy as ever.

Adieu.

Almost..

2007-05-28T14:31:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow is the last day of the semester. About 9 months have gone by since I wrote my first entry. And a lot happened, but deep down inside, I haven't changed much, I feel.

I'm using the library's computer right now, and when I tried to log on, at first I wrote my High School ID (2100701.. I'll never forget). After a year, I still did this mistake. Well, almost a year.

I miss highschool. Not Sec 5, because it was hell. But Sec 4. In miss it so deeply.

I definitely haven't changed the slightest bit.. Still nostalgic as hell, eh.

So much as happened. I spent my first semester getting done with my relationships with Charles. We broke up during mid-semester. At the same time, I got to know Mathieu during that time. And I fell in love with him. And we saw each other twice. I also failed almost all my classes. Because I didn't even feel like doing anything. Strangely enough, my memories of first semester are clouded, unclear. I don't know why. My drug consumption was at it's lowest, same goes for alcohol, so what happened? Maybe because after all, this session was quiet. It was just tears, pain, and feeling alive, and long ours of boredom, working, and being in class. It was writing letters and most of all.. Being in love. And being depressive.

It went by fast.

Then there was christmas vacation. And I saw Mathieu for the last and third time, and knew, from there on, it was going downwards. I spent much time at Koro's, and mostly did nothing. Christmas vacation was mostly utterly boring. Nothing happened, except my status was going worst and worst again, and I switched to my manic side, being caught in atrocious angst crisis, running around my bedroom at 3AM, almost screaming for something to do, and being so aggressive I could barely handle myself. I also met a lot of people, because I needed it. Most of them I don't even speak with now.

Then.. then came the winter semester. It started in a clash, with Mathieu breaking my heart by changing his msn nickname, and myself going deeply numb. And then .. to fit with my manic mood, I switched back to activist habits.. The kind of stuff I do when I'm too sad and don't want to think about it. I spent most of the semester making friends and losing others, or maybe even losing the ones I had just made, if that makes any sense. And at the moment spring was there and I was gaining back some self-confidence, a rain of bad events came in, leaving me unstable.

So here we are. I switched back to depressive. I re-fell in love with him. I lost my interest in student activism because I lost my illusions; people are too goddamn proud and stupid and elitist for any of it to work.

I still haven't changed. And I kept my resolution. After Charles and me.. After it was over. I said no more boyfriends.

And here we are. No more boyfriends.

I don't think I regret it.

Amen.

Confessions of fears

2007-05-22T05:54:00.000-07:00

It's been a while.. I'm sorry.

I feel very bad, ever since yesterday. Dave told me something yesterday: "So you hate rejection?" Made me realize this 'bout myself.. I don't only hate being rejected, it drives me nuts, it's an obsession and it can make me depressed to the point of auto-mutilation.

Ian rejected me once again because he once again is exclusive to another girl. It's ridiculous; I know it's not true. I know it. I know him. No matter how many times he said he changed. He's once again playing with me. He always does.

One time, one time since I know him he cracked and held me against him.

And Dave is seeing someone he doesn't want to cheat on. And it drives me nuts. I have to get close to him. I just have to. It's becoming an obsession and I think I'm becoming kind of crazy. I want to hold him, not just hug him, just hold him. For long. And he knows it. And for some reason it makes me cry, it makes me hurt.

Why, why when I have no feelings for him other than simple attraction am I so sad I can't have him?

Because I grew to hate myself, because of rejection. Because I was told so many times I was ugly when growing up that everytime I feel pretty I think it's weird. Everytime a guy says I'm pretty, I think he's lying. Everytime a boy rejects me, even if it's for a good reason that has nothing to do with me..

I hurt so hard I can hardly breathe.

And I'm so afraid... so afraid of Math sleeping with some girl.. and thinking it was better than when he did it with me.. It's all I have left of him.. that I was the last one.. It's the only reason he still thinks I'm pretty or hot sometimes. The only he reason he has not 100% lost interest.

I rarely regret sleeping with 10 guys in my life because I like sex and I don't feel guilty over it. I don't see why I should stop myself from those kinds of things that I enjoy.

The only time I regret is when I think he might consider that for me he's just another fuck. I'm afraid that because of this he doesn't see how special this night was and how entirely and thoroughly I gave myself to him.

He's the only guy I slept with I truly was in love with. Not in love like I was with Charles. Not sweet, soft, long lasting love. He's the only guy I loved with the passion I don't seem to be capable of anymore..

I fear he's my last teenage love, the last guy I'll love with so much intensity. I'm so afraid one day I'll stop loving him and this bittersweet pain will never ever come back to me again.

I'll be turning 18 in 20 days and this makes me so goddamn afraid because I'm becoming an adult, because 18 is legal, because I won't be underage anymore, because I won't be "the kid" anymore.

As is anything I does loses worth because I'm growing older.

This post is so full of fears.

Hating saga, part 4

2007-05-10T10:51:00.000-07:00

So this is part 4 of my bitching saga! Hell yeah!

(by the way, this is 52nd entry, within less than a year, so I achieved my goal of writing at least once a week. this makes my blog quite an active one)

Alex. Not emo Alex, but another Alex.

Where shall I start.

We started hanging together a lot in the weeks that followed his break up with his ex girlfriend. When we had been seeing each other once in a while for something like 3 weeks, he asked me if I had feelings for him. To which I replied to him that of course not, and there I got kind of mad because it's quite obvious that I don't go around falling in love with everyone. But after that I was sorry that I reacted so strongly because after all he was just afraid that I'd love him and that's the kind of thing I did with guys sometimes (being afraid they loved me).

But he totally stopped talking to me, we stopped hanging out together.. He's not a friend anymore.

Eh..

I hate losing friends.

2007-05-10T07:31:00.000-07:00

Now the Seb case, one of the most, beautiful I guess.

When I started to get to know him, he told me that before he thought all I was was a wanna-be metalhead with much of an attitude problem but that at that point he thought otherwise and thought I was someone cool. He also said if he ever had a problem with me he would tell me.

Up to now, everything is wonderful.

Then slowly, through the month of april, our friendship began degrading, for some unknown and mysterious reasons. I don't have the knowledge that I did anything purposely to piss him off. But at some point, one evening we were a bunch of people at Rockaberry's. He was talking about Fred and this girl about Within Temptation and I said that I might be going with my best friend. Fred asked me why I wasn't going with them instead and I hinted slightly that Seb might not want me to come. It remained at that, and later that night he was kind of rough with me after I generalized about philosophy teachers (like what the hell, I was high, do you expect me to be logical after smoking weed). He didn't even explain what he meant, just saying, twice, "What you say is stupid, really stupid".

At that point I realized he did really have something against me, altough I didn't understand what or why. Later that week, or maybe the next, he approached me at school saying "We're need to talk together right NOW". So I'm like, well, okay, even if I don't like it when people boss me around like that. So he said "I'm not happy that you're coming to the Within Temptation live". I explained, quite surprised, that I didn't understand since I wasn't going with them. He aid the way I brought it up at Rockaberry's sounded like that, which made me quite puzzled because what I had said was I was going with Samir.

So later on that day I wrote him an email to ask for explanations , since he said if he had anything against me he would tell me. I wrote in that email a bit about not understanding why, saying I don't really mind and he's entitled to have his opinion but that I would like to know what happened, what did I do, so on so forth. I tried to be the most polite and calm I could, and I think I succeeded not so bad.

I waited and waited for an answer. When I finally saw him on MSN, I simply asked him if he intended to answer me. He said no, because this email was just childish behavior.

First off, could he be any more diminutive to me, almost calling me a child?

And then..

He tells me if he's mad at me he will exlain. Then, he's mad at me and he doesn't say anything. I write him a polite email to ask him the reasons, see if I can do something to make it better, etc. He refuses to answer.. and I'm the one who's acting like a child?

Did I miss out on something?

And I'm the one who's considered very dumb and air-headed by half the planet. Riiiiight.

2007-05-10T07:12:00.000-07:00

Part , the Jenny and Emo Alex situation! Yay so much fun for fightign with everyone!

Through the session, I saw Jenny and Emo Alex growing cold to me. It started by Alex not talking to me on the train on thursday mornings, to them acting cold and uninterested when I went to talk to them, to plainly ignoring me.

At first I thought that was they are both anti-strike and that I'm very very very pro-strike. But then I realized that way past that, they kept ignoring me.

So I went to see Jenny on msn, and this a nice little synopsys of our dear converstion *sarcasm*.

Pav: Hey Jenny, are you mad at me?
Jenny: I don't fucking care :)
Pav: But.. I don't understand
Jenny: Think for a while and you will understand.
Pav: Well, no I don't.
Jenny: Friendships need to be taken care of. The only time you talk to me is to ask me if I'm coming to this or that, or to borrow me stuff, or to talk about all your strike bullshit. You don't even ask me how I am.
Pav: Well.. no, not quite. I asked you to come to AG once, talked about the strike once, and borrowed you a pencil once. All the other times I talked to you I just.. talked to you.
Jenny: No you didn't.
Pav: So you say I'm a liar?
Jenny: And I heard... stuff about you.
Pav: Stuff? What kind of stuff?
Jenny: I don't want to talk about it so I don't have trouble for doing so afterwards.
Pav: Well it's sad you can't see that you are mistaken and that I never purposedly ignored you, that I did my best to be there especially when your ex dumped you, and that if I didn't talk to you often it's just because I just don't see you often.
Jenny: Well now I know what kind of person you are, the stuff I heard made me realize things, and now I don't hate you but like I'm not your friend anymore and I'm not saying I'll never be again but like right now our roads are separated and there is no reason why I should be your friend.
Pav: Well now I know what kind of person you are: The kind that will believe rumors about their friends, won't do any effort to keep those friends, attention-whore, and unable to understand sometimes your friends might be a bit busier than they were before and it doesn't make them evil. To top it off, you seem to be unable to question the information people give you, because you never talked to me about that so called "stuff" you heard about me, never wanting to hear the other side of the story.

Considering the fact that the sole people we know in common are emoAlex, Camille, Samir, Jude, Ariane and Vic, my guess is, oh wah, WHO BITCHED BEHIND MY BACK OMG IT MUST BE CAMILLE. Wow, how intelligent I am *rolls eyes*. Because Alex had the same reasons for being mad at me, Samir doesn't have anything against me and he's not even in Cégep anymore, Ariane is too happy-go-lucky to be bitchy about me, Jude already bitched tons about me before and hasn't talked to me in forever so why would Jenny hear anything new through her, and Vic most probably doesn't have anything against me.

Friends from highschool also informed me that Camille did similarly with them, trying to bring them to hate me. Way to go you slut.

You can't bring me down today.

Explanations

2007-05-10T06:48:00.000-07:00

I guess my previous post might deserve some kind of explanation.

Let's start off with Camille, shall we? A couple of months ago, this weird story happened, where she was "going out" with Fred. (By the by, I am not afraid to write out names here anymore. This me, without censorship. Can't stand having your name here? Don't piss me off, and you won't.) That was jsut kind of weird, but rather funny. But at some point, she repeatedly hinted me as thatr she MIGHT have some feelings for him. So, being my rather direct and honest self, I asked him if he had real intentions towards her. And he said no. So yeah. Some time later on, during a casual conversation regarding relationships in general, I told him I thought she had feelings for him. Because that's me, that's what I do, I talk about my thoughts. She got rather mad at me, saying that I should mind my own business. Actually I think anything that crosses my thoughts is my business, since I was speaking about my reflexions, and aren't my reflexions quite mine? It waas just my opinion on the situation.

And then, for some reason, she decided she wouldn't speak to me again. Because (those are her words) I am "someone complicated" and she "wants a simple life" so she doesn't want me to be part of her life anymore. But not only that. She added that I "always need support" and get her "in crazy situations". I think I asked her for support maybe once in my whole fucking life, while we won't count the number of times I heard her ranting about her mother like her life situation is the worst in the world and nobody is unhappier than she is. Also, "getting her in crazy situations" is mainly, telling her that Charles was lying. That "put her in trouble". Riiiight.

To add to this, she now refuses to give me any advice concerning anything because she "doesn't want to have anything to with my stories". She also acts like a total snob to me, and asks me to give her back her books ASAP, while they are scattered around my house, and I forgot one in Fred's car. Fred doesn't even want to LOOK for that book, saying he lost it, and she tells me to arrange with him to find it. Both refuse total responsability, so I'm suppose to magically find a book that is either in a guy's car who doesn't want me to check if it's there, or lost somewhere mysterious. And my favorite purse, that I loved a lot, was in his car also and he said he "brought it somewhere he doesn't remember".

All this is quite mysterious, because, most of her reasons for not talking to me are absolutely false. They don't even make sense. So what can we suspect? She told me a hundred times that she didn't have any feelings for Fred, at all. So she's not supposed to be jealous of the fact I slept with him right? Or is she just to scared to admit it, knowing if only she would have said just the slightest thing, that she might have the tinyest feelings for him, and stopped denying it, I wouldn't have done it? Because she used to be my friend? But she's not anymore so I'm not anywhere near guilty for sleeping with guys she might love or being part of her book's loss. She treast me like a shit-pile, I'll treat her like one.

The Fred case is related. He's 100% un-critical about her, to him her way of treating me is legitimate, makes sense, and she has the right to act like she does because "it's her opinion". Fucking.. it's a form of relativism I guess and it's profoundly annoying. Also, not wanting to tell me what the hell he did with my purse and the book that was inside of it, not letting me check his car, being totally unclear about the whole matter when Camille is about to kill me saying "she has not time for this cuz she has stuff to do" (like what, I'm suppose to have nothing to do?).

Go to hell, both of you.

Next post, Jenny and Alex case! yay!

PS: I'm surviving solely because some people are actually NICE to me. Mathieu, Samir, Audrey, Mic, David, Pierre... Even if you probably won't read this, THANK YOU. Thank you so much for keeping me sane. You are the ones who talk to me like I'm a normal and interesting human being and that I actually am worth something.

2007-05-09T06:30:00.000-07:00

This is one of those days where I want to kill everyone. And I mean really kill them, violently, tearing their body up. With loads of blood.

People I want to kill right now include (but not limited to)

-Jenny, the selfish fuck
-Camille, the fucking slut
-Seb, the snob who thinks he's so much more superior and mature
-Fred, for making things worst
-Emo Alex, for being so close minded
-Alex, for letting me leave without saying anything
-Charlotte, because she is a total bitch for no reason

just go to hell. all of you.

there are no reasons why I should censor myself and not name names.

You're all assholes.

And Mathieu is very nice to me these days. <3

Thank you for making my hell worth living through

Oh and by the way, the dance show went to amazingly well, the techs were <3 and everything worked out fine, esxcepect we aren't the school's troupe anymore, because of our stupid director, but it doesn't matter right now. We will see what we are going to do next year. But I just danced so well, can't wait to get the DVD and dining out with people you usually hate without picking fights with them is kind of amazing.

It's a good thing I hate cégep now and love my life out of cégep because... because summer is coming just too fast.

Scissor pain

2007-05-03T04:52:00.000-07:00

Things are almost back to normal. Almost.

People are so dumb. You are all so fucking dumn. Don't you guys realize I've been telling each of you either exactly what you wanted to hear or the exact opposite since the beginning? Isn't it obvious by now? "Uh, Pav isn't very coherent, uh, she contradicts herself all the time, uh, shu must be dumb, uh?" Wow, you guys have realized?

It should be obvious when I'm laughing with A about B one day and then the next I'm with B condemning A's actions.

So I'm just an hypocritical bitch? I'm not, I'm just observing you guys.

Do you think you really know what side I'm on, or what are my ideals, what I'm fighting for? You don't know me.

Stop acting like I'm dumb when it's so obvious that I'm wearing a mask. I'm just playing a role, can't you see? I made it CLEAR!

Damn

Mad world

2007-04-30T11:01:00.000-07:00

... I still love him.

Even if he did the worst stuffm even if he just wants me for sex now. No matter what. I still love him. When he tells me.. when he tells me what he'd do to me if we were any nearer, I can't stop those shivers. I just can't. It's just the same way things were back in december, except there is no more hope.

Still his words haunt me. "You are perfect". "You are all I ever wanted". I know he doesn't think the same now, and that is the ironic part. Because at that moment it was so true. And it's still true because I haven't changed.

...I'm still perfect. I wish I was. But I am... To me, I am, I am the way I should be. Short. Smart. Literate. Artistic. Aggressive. Anarchist. Unstable. Emotional. Obsessive. Natural. Sexy.

Yes I do believe I am all those things. Are any of those girls as complex as me?

Are any of those girls half as intelligent as I am?

But why would he want a complex, or intelligent girl, when he could have a sweet, candid, mainstream average girl? Aren't they more convenient? Nice. Pretty. Feminine. Friendly. Smiling. Down to earth.

I guess it's better that way. ...No I don't but I'll pretend. I always do.

Why?

2007-04-26T06:06:00.000-07:00

Why is it always when I should be in class that I find the time/need to write here?

Dear journal, I do not remember what I told you last, because it's been so long. Like, a month. I'm so sorry, I should be writing everyday. There should be 365 entries a year, not 52.. or even less.

What happened? Strike and illegal occupation of the Cégep. Everything went well and the demonstration was kind of big, but only kind of..

Math stopped talking to me, than started again, and I'm still mixed up as hell, but I know there is no more hope. Ever since that night where he told me "It's your problem if you feel pain".. I can't forgive him.

Then I met new people, and old friends stopped talking to me, and some started speaking to me again. The usual, and I'm still pondering what style I should be up to this summer. I guess a mix of my usual three. I guess.

Dance show is coming up in less than 10 days, we're ready, but not quite, it's kind of weird and the tension is very high right now, and I'm not feeling very good about it. I just want it to be done, and over. Still I can't wait. Can't wait to be up on the stage once again. It's the only place I feel at home. It's the only place I can be myself without boundaries.

I should be in French class. I should.

Why does every guy out there think I'm in love with them? I don't fall in love. I just don't. I loved one person and he killed every drop of humanity that was left in me. I still love him. Kind of. Hopelessly. Endlessly.

I also hate being torn between the two sides in a war. Nobody that reads this will understand since I think none of my few readers go to the same Cégep I do.. But I swear I hate it.

And they government un-freezed the tuition fees.. it's now official.. How disgusting.. We're in need of some MAJOR strike. And rampage. I can't believe nobody reacted strongly yet. *Sigh*

Right now I just really don't know what to do. I don't even know what I want. I'm.. I'm drifting away from this students union shit, and my other cégep friends already gave up on me, and i don't fit in much elsewhere, and what will happen if I go back to Ste-Thérèse next summer? Because there will be nothing else to do.. Do they still hate me? Should I? Shouldn't I?

I promise I'll write again tomorrow.

Hey, asshole

2007-04-05T07:03:00.000-07:00

Just like WHAT THE HELL!

I hate him! Hate him! I want him to fucking die! I mean..

How come it's so hard just to push 10 puttons on a freakin dial-tone goddamn phone and say my first name and just hang up JUST SO THAT I CAN GET OVER IT

Okay FINE it's not your fault if you don't love me, it's not your fault I'm so stupid, but if making it end, if making all the pain end for me is so easy, WHY DON'T YOU JUST DO IT?

Do you LIKE seeing me suffer or what?

Jerk.

Quick update

2007-03-27T14:20:00.000-07:00

Hey, I'm back. Sorry, not posting much these days, everything has been.. how should I put it.. Hectic?

First off, Mathieu has blocked me off msn and barely answers my emails anymore. Because I said I wanted to die. I don't get him, he doesn't want me to lie, but he doesn't want me to say the truth either. I'm very confused over this, especially since in his last email he said "We'll have to speak once again soon". Why? When? What the hell does that mean? *Sigh*

Secundo, Strike has been voted for Thursday, March 29th in my dear Cégep. This made me very, very happy, because I was so afraid people would vote "No". Well, it's all yes now, and we're having a bed-in tomorrow, which I'm also very excited about. I feel like a little girl. These kinds of things.. are what I live for, right now.

I've got 2 job interviews, and I'm wondering which I should choose (Working at D-Tox or for the Government (Tourism to be more precise) ?)

Also, I'm very disapointed with the elections results. PLQ, ADQ opposition.. and no QS even elected. Absentionism seems to have raised once again, though, which is, I guess, a good thing.

I need rewrite my long arcticle ("Views on Anarchism and it's Schools of Thought") but I really don't have much time right now. To top it off, I should be doing Spanish & German lab right now, which I'm not doing at all.

Naked and alone

2007-03-18T20:45:00.000-07:00

Naked in front of this screen.

Crying.

Arm's crying too.

Blood.

Angst.

All that's done's forgiven

2007-03-09T15:52:00.000-08:00

It's been 2 months since we've seen each other for the last time.. The longest we have gone without seeing each other since the first time we saw each other, and actually, since we started talking at the end of this summer.

2 months of going downwards like I wished so hard we would never go. "Us" an "us" that never really was, but that I prayed for it, the hardest that a girl who doesn't believe in god can pray.. And it never worked but..

I haven't changed the slightest bit, I'm stil myself, I'm still Pav, I'm still Gabrielle.. I'm still the one I was in august of 2006, trust me.. I tried, I tried to be honest, to show all of my flaws, to be sure you knew who I was.. but it's only now.. that you seem to uncover the side of me everybody hates so much..

I have to admit, yes, yes I hoped, I wished, I prayed, I believed for a split-fucking-second that it was true.. that I was.. as perfect as you named me.. Yes, I admit I thought maybe I could be the perfect one for you.. Maybe..

I'll never be perfect enough for anyone.. that's all.. there is to it, really.

Can't you see how much I hate myself for not being the one you would have wanted me to be?

It's not the pain that I hate, the pain keeps me alive, I prefer crying for you than kissing him ever again... Can you forgive me for trying again? Ever since our lips touched for the first time I have been unable to touch any other man without thinking of you. I'd kill to turn back time, do you know this? But what I fear the most is doing so and realizing no matter what I do, this happens over and over again, that no matter what.. Your opinion of me will worsen..

I feel like a prisoner of my own body, trying to reach out to you, blocked by my own stupid little self.. I'm still the same person I swear.. then why.. is this different now.. I still feel for you the way I always did..

You make everything I had known before seem pointless and puny, do you know that? I am no one without you.. I am nothing.. This may seem quite an extreme speech but.. This is but a mirror of what you told me yourself months ago..

Just a proof of how much things changed.

I know you can't do anything but say you are sorry, I know you can't force yourself. I am just speaking, trying to put words on feelings that are like a tornado inside of me.. Will I ever.. hold you against me once again.. ever again? You keep saying yes, one day.. But..

Can I still trust you? Should I? I want to but SHOULD I?

I don't even feel like dancing tonight, too much introspection, too much.. thoughts swirling around.. I'm lost.. I re-read every email I have written to you, especially the ones I was too scared to send, I re-read my blog, every message about you that you never read and you just don't want to read.. I wish.. you would..

It's just so scary to me.. It's like rushing at 150mph and seeing the wall in front of you and knowing your brakes are broken.. and seeing the wall closing in.. faster and faster..

But I'm way past that point, the moment you told me that .. it was over (you never actually said it, and there really never was something going on so how can it be over? but you know what I mean) I collided with this wall, breaking my shield of illusions.. Pavlova died for the sake of Gabrielle

Do you even realize how hard it was for me to let you call me by my first name?

I miss you.

I miss you

2007-03-02T17:34:00.000-08:00

I miss him so much.. What should I do? I'm still lost right now. I feel like the stupidest person on earth when just about anyone talks to me.. I feel like I'm worth nothing right now.. People.. stop.. acting like I'm so dumb..

Please

I'm.. breaking... apart..

Couldn’t save you from the start
Love you so it hurts my soul
Can you forgive me for trying again?
Your silence makes me hold my breath
All the time has passed you by

Ooo, for so long I’ve tried to shield you from the world
Ooo, you couldn’t face the freedom on your own
Here I am
Left in silence

I watched the clouds drifting away
Still the sun can’t warm my face
I know it was destined to go wrong
You were looking for the greatest escape
To chase your demons away

Ooo, for so I long I’ve tried to shield you from the world
Ooo, you couldn’t face the freedom on your own
Here I am
Left in silence

I’ve been so lost since you’ve gone
Why not me before you?
Why did fate deceive me?
Everything turned out so wrong
Why did you leave me in silence?

You gave up the fight
You left me behind
All that's done is forgiven
You’ll always be mine
I know deep inside
All that's done is forgiven

(Within Temptation - Forgiven)

1

2007-02-28T05:54:00.001-08:00

First day of elections

Haven't even voted myself yet

..

Wish me luck

Really

Hell

2007-02-22T14:13:00.000-08:00

Cégep -> AGECVM-> Elections -> Hell

That is all there is to it. Really.

Valentine's day

2007-02-14T08:31:00.000-08:00

Valentine's day alone again.. the last time was in 2002 and this is kinda sad, it's been 5 years and I'm back again to this freakin, hellish mental state that I hate so much..

Where have you gone, pure love, happy moments? I should have known the equilibrium was meant to melt away and I should have been happy of what happened to me.. I miss it now.

I miss you.

Why are you drifitng away? Why can't I bring you back? I tried everything. You said "Accept them changes"..

I can't. I'm sorry but I can't. I don't want to.

Valentine's Day alone again, and I have no one to say "I love you" to. No more virginity to lose. No more gifts to give, or miles to walk under the snow to bring stupid letters.

I could still catch a bus and go see you somehow. You'd hate me for it. I should suicide instead.

Just joking, really.

I know it's pointless, it's finished, the end has come. I FUCKING KNOW FUCKING IT FUCK! So you people should just STOP telling me "it's over, you know" and "get over it"... I'M NOT GETTING OVER IT, OKAY?!

I hate everyone, I hate being torn between assholes that like me and intelligent people that think I'm an asshole, I hate being.. me, I hate this life..

I hate not being able to sing, I hate my overloaded schedule, my lack of capacity, my shy-ness, my ... everything. I hate me. And I hate him for leaving me alone. I bet he won't be online tonight, at all.. And I'll be alone.. Crying if I can get the tears out.. this hasn't happened in so long.

I should be doing schoolwork right now. But I don't feel like it. I still have a few hours to do so, so..

Eh.

I think my fucking infection is back. I think I need to go back to CLSC again and this makes me cringe. But oh well what can a girl do. Next tuesday. Next tuesday I will.

Oh, and I finally got to see Danny.

Week end rant

2007-02-05T06:36:00.000-08:00

This week-end was more than shitty. On Saturday morning, I got up early to do my homework and then went to ballet class. Up to there, everything was fantastic. And then.. I went to meet some people up at Cégep for somethign and THEY FUCKING NEVER SHOWED UP! And then, I was supposed to see Danny, and he wouldn't fucking answer, so I called home and had Audrey check what people told me on msn, and what did he say while I was already gone? HE WAS CANCELLING.

Damn. So I went over to Koro's place and we watched Kiddy Grade. Then on Sunday I got up early, went to Irulanne's place and realized how much I am the weakest singer and no matter how hard I work, I can't pull it off like I should. I know I'm the one who does the most vocalises and so on, I practice hard every day and it doesn't seem to be leading anywhere... I hate myself.

I guess I'd need some real singing lessons but I don't have money, or time, for this. At all.

So whatever, after this I went back to Cégep and couldn't get the friggin printer to work so it was once again, work for nothing. So I went back to Koro's place to keep on watching Kiddy Grade. Lumière rocks. I love her utterly.

German class is very soon so I should be going but eh.

I had this big conversation with Math yesterday... I hate how he goes away when we're not done on an important topic but I know I'm not important enough for this. So I wrote him an email.

Funky how I'm not afraid to speak about him here 'cause I know he'll never read it.. And HE HAS the URL.

Eh. So yeah, have fun people. I'll just survive, ne?

2007-02-03T21:48:00.000-08:00

I hate having so many questions burning my lips and not being able to ask them out loud.

Does he miss me?
Does he still think about me sometimes?
Does he still want me?
Does he feel as incomplete as I feel?
Does he care anymore?

Hey

2007-02-02T10:44:00.000-08:00

I write pretty often these days. Well, what to say: For all my pain, all I got are some lame excuses and lousy explications?

Well at least I guess it's one good thing done, he doesn't protest that we actually are growing apart. But he said I'd never see him again because it would be better for me that way and that hurt so much I almost .. cried out in pain.

But I didn't.

I didn't even cry once.

I'm still sitting in the library writing this, waiting until it is 2 to go do my german lab... What a boring life, and I already have a shitload of homework to do, and I HATE my Philosophy teacher, and and and..

Woah. There has been so much emotions going through me in the last few days/weeks that sometimes I'm taken aback by my own attitude. I know I have done some very unwise moves lately and.. Well sometimes I just wish it wasn't too late to come back. But it is, I fear.

I wish

2007-02-01T13:11:00.000-08:00

I wish I could just hold him against me one last time. I just I could see him just once more. Meet his eyes. Kiss him. One last time.

I knew it was the last time. But still.

It hurts like a bitch. I'm tired but I can't sleep. I'm too bored too even play drums, sing or dance. I have loads of shit to do. Later. Just a bit later. I'll do it. I don't want him to think I'm weak.

I still can't stop thinking about him. I haven't really cried yet. I miss him so much, even more now that I know.. that.. it's.. over.

It's over.

300 tears
30 thoughts
3 words
It-is-over.

Listening to Tryo. Shaking like hell. Pain is starting to come through my walls. Can't help it. I'm not going that well. Really. I'll survive but not as easily as I first thought. I'm afraid of him coming online. I'll probably crack at that point.

I thought.. I.. maybe after all that shit maybe I deserved this mix of pain and joy instead of pain and emptiness. I guess I was mistaken. How the hell will I survive? HOW?

I love you.

Stupid truth, why can't you be untrue?

Where is Kass? Where is Audrey? Where is Koro? Where is Mako? Where is.. everyone? Why the hell am I here, alone, when my FUCKING GODDAMN WORLD IS FALLING APART?

I don't wanna cry. I've been blocking the tears out for hours. I'm afraid of when I'll crack. I'm afraid of everything. I was afraid of this moment for the past 5 months and now it's happening and I'm falling... so fast.. I can't grasp reality anymore... If reality exists, anyway..

I thought I wasn't loving him as much anymore and now is when I realize how false and illusionary all of it was... I.. hate this life.. I hate everything.. Damn I know I sound like I'm 13 years old again.. I FEEL like I'm 13 years old again..

The End

2007-02-01T06:27:00.000-08:00

He has someone else.

He changed his msn nickname.

I knew this was coming; it hurts nonetheless.

I woke up this morning with "Memorial Address" strolling in my mind. From there on, I knew something was wrong. Sayonara ne... I just had to check my msn to know it all. I knew the end was coming. But no matter what I said, it aws like an atomic bomb had fell on my head. I was falling straight back to my oblivion, an oblivion I knew just a bit too well, judging by my quick reflexes: Broken hearted msn nickname, tearing off his picture from my locker at Cégep, and so on.

I even brought my laptop here to listen to music on the way back home because I know I won't survive without it.

Someone remind me to watch my wool jacket and my black halter top when I get home, ne?

Don't worry guys, I'll survive. It's just a bit chaotic in my mind right now, not to say, completely hectic. But I'll make through, I always do. Actually... It's not as bad as I thought it would be. I guess for once I'm lucky that I'm not on depressive side anymore. I hated it the minute I switched to manic but now I'm kind of thankful.

Thank you, bipolar disorder.

I don't wanna make him feel bad, but I'll do it anyways, just because it's me. Once I'm done writing this post and cross-posting it to skyblog, I'll write him a final email.

Maybe it's the last time I talk about him here. And it's terrible in a way because...

How could I put that.. I started this blog with Cégep. And I started knowing more with Cégep. Charles ended with Cégep. The beginning of the changes in my life all came with this.

I wish I could say "I feel so empty" but it's not true. Something hurts like shit deep down inside. A constant, brutal pain, the kind you get when someone breaks your heart, and only then, really. Fucking pain. I feel like he tore off a part of me. And it's true.

I'm incomplete without you.

I shoukd be heading back home but I don't want to linger in my room when the reason I've been in my room so much these days is the fact I wouldn't get off msn just in case he'd go online.

I know it's not really my fault. That I did my best at what I'm worst at (romance). But I still feel like the stupidest shitty little girl ever. I don't know what to do. What the hell will I do when I get home? Play my Wii? Go over to Place Rosemère? Everything single fucking little thing reminds me of him.

I can't even cut myself or do drugs because I know he'd think it's pathetic. I hate how even after it has ended, everything I decide is function of him.

Mathieu, I hate you.

.... The worst part being I don't wanna stop loving him just in case... Just in case...

I HATE MYSELF.

Life's a bitch

PS: Danny said he was sorry for not showing up yesterday. I guess I forgive him.
PS2: My french class will be amazing. I'm so getting amazing grades this semester. I swear.
PS3: I'm strong. I'll be strong. Don't worry for me guys. I'll survive. Trust me.

Oh well

2007-01-31T10:03:00.000-08:00

As you might have noticed, I changed the blog's layout. I guess it's more easy to understand now, it's just way less pretty and dark, but I simply adore gunslinger girls so yeah. It fits me loads.

I guess next time I might create my own layout, maybe.

I'm at Cégep right now, waiting for Danny to come online 'cuz I'm suppose to see him, and if he cancels I swear to god I'll be killing someone because people have dropped me so many times in the last 2 weeks.. Damn.

I have been very studious, I have already started doing my homework and so on. Not bad eh? I know. The past few days have been fun I guess, there was Koro's party where I met some new nice people, Cradle of Filth's live that I went to with Samir, monday Cégep started and I got to see Caroline, Laurence, Kevin, Sophie, Jenny, Alex, Caroline, etc etc etc, Ariane too.. Much fun really, and yesterday I've slept over at Simon's place, he's such a nice guy, I really enjoy spending time with him, and today oh well Cégep again.

The bad side is I'm still sick and the ... very minimal thing that could have been going on between me and Math is dead.

The worst part is it doesn't even hurt inside as I say this. Is it because I don't believe it yet? Or because I'm too empty to fucking feel anything? I'm scaring myself. And Danny still isn't online. I'm going to throw up or kill someone or ... Just fucking scream.

My life is totally absurd. No, I mean, really.

Lotsa stuff

2007-01-27T12:44:00.000-08:00

There is a shitload of stuff I want to talk about. Where to start.

We're in this stupid little game. I'm mad a Louis because he hid from me the fact he had a girlfriend, so I take revenge by telling Hugo that Louis told Audrey he wanted Hugo and Val to breakup (and that wasn't a lie, he really did say that). Then Hugo tells Louis I said that and then Louis tells my sister that I hid from her the fact Tommy is bisexual (just like what the hell) to take revenge from me.

Fifth grade anyone?

And then on another subject, a good friend of mine confessed to me that he's gay last night. I really don't mind and had doubts about it for quite a while but it still startled me in the sense that I used to have feelings for him and feelings never 100% disappear so yeah. Well I'm happy that he told me. It's just I'm sad because now I know there can't be any heterosexual guys that are this nice. And also the fact he told my sister before telling me... I know they talk more than I talk with him now but.. Well you know. It's just.. me. My way of being, always jealous, especially of her.

I want to become a Goth Lolita/Lolita again. Back in 2002-2003 (and probably even the end of 2001) I had clothes, and my attitude was way less hyper back then. I had a point in being elegant and so on.. And then I had money problems and had to sell everything except for my umbrella and one blouse.

So now I am, yearning for things I have gotten rid off. Yes I did still keep an Aristocratic looks in my outings for the past few years, with the top hats, ruffle shirts and so on but.. I still miss being Loli. It's a part of my puzzle of an identity that I miss a lot.

What I miss is a job right now to make this little dream come true and then I'll be back. I miss my past. A lot.

I'm very sick right now, and I hate it. I have a party tonight and I attend Cradle of Filth's live tomorrow and I start school the day after. I'll be soooo dead. But whatever, that is okay :P I'm used to it.

Propulsion Annual Show this year will be great, if we can manage to get everything done in time (and I think we will, I mean, have we ever really failed before?). I'm happy that we get to dance more contemporary stuff. I shouldn't have stopped the salsa class but I didn't have time at all to keep going to it so yeah. Whatever.

I'll do my best ^^!

I hate it

2007-01-23T20:32:00.000-08:00

I hate insomnia, and being so tired. I hate the fact that I'm falling back to my manic side and not quite good at controlling the side effects of my current mental state. I hate not being tired. Should I get drunk just to be able to freaking sleep?

Today was quite a rough day. Sometimes I wonder how the hell will I pull it through my life at this rate. It's so hard. But I'll make it. I always do.

Sorry for the constant short posts. ... I guess it's just the manic side showing up once again.

I fear

2007-01-23T15:07:00.000-08:00

How many hours have I spent crying over an "us" that never was?

I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you I don't wanna lose you

Restless

2007-01-21T19:02:00.000-08:00

For some reason I have been totally restless for the last few days, picking up fights with just about everyone, getting all nervous and running around my home in circles out of boredom.

Something is wrong with me, I fear.

I wish I understood.

Fake a smile

2007-01-18T15:57:00.000-08:00

I wonder how long I will keep pretending that I don't care. Maybe if I fake it long enough it will become reality?

I feel horribly empty, not a good empty, a kind of empty that I know if I stop watching myself for one split-second it will go from empty to burning pain.

I can't even say "I wish I didn't love him" cause that's so false. How could I wish that? He's perfect. Damn it.

I know if I didn't love him, he would probably like me more. That's stupid but that's how the human mind if. At least mine. And his. Because he's like me. A bit too much, even, and that's what scares the shit out of me. Because that way I know more about him than what I pretend.

So I'm sitting here, faking a smile and pretending I don't care that I barely talked to him for 15 minutes in 3 days, that this doesn't hurt, and that I'm not looking for his screen name every 5 seconds. Holding on myself to keep me from looking. Hitting, slapping my little fucking face every time I want to write him an email, tell him I love him, every time I want to smell my wool jacket (because it still smells of him).

I don't have anything else to give. I gave my everything. You are my everything. I can't do anything. I'm here. Empty. Closed eyes. Tears about to flow but I keep them in. I can't do anything. I'm so weak. I can just wait. Not wait to be happy. I'm just waiting for this moment where everything will end. Waiting for the pain to rush to me.

And wondering how the hell will I survive.

Hectic

2007-01-12T23:59:00.000-08:00

I am terribly sorry for the lack of updates these days. My life has just been a mix of freakin' everything, depression, hectic, I don't know, everything really.

Where to start? Dec' 31st party... Over at Hugo's place. Hugo is Louis' best friend, Louis being my.. gay friend who I'm having weird.. close moments with. What can I say? Have I ever felt more lonely? I doubt it. From Hugo dragging me in a room while his gf was on the upper floor sleeping, to me learning that Louis has a girlfriend (like what the hell).. Or maybe Hugo's brother turning me down and prefering to me a girl that I don't really consider pretty..

Damn do I hate life sometimes. Well I guess most of it is "fixed" by now.

And then there was Mako's party, who was just about the same, with nobody caring, Fabio doing everything to not-talk to me, and seeing my sister struggling with the fact she had to face Menard once again, more than one year after what happened. I wanted to kill someone, most likely myself.

And then to top it off I saw him once again and now I'm so mixed up I can't even think straight for two seconds at a time. I miss him so deeply it aches down to my bones, and then one minute I wanna give up on him, and the next I realize I can never do that and I just want to wait, and then right after I want to give up on the rest of my life to be able to see him just for a split second again..

But I'll survive, ne? I always pull it off. Sometimes, I wish I wouldn't. How many hard times have I gone through, now? My parents hitting me. My whole childhood. Cougar's and Eloise's out of my life way to early. Losing my first online friends because of my own stupid actions. Being bullied through out junior high and high school. My first depressive cycle, after Hugo and me had broken up the first time. My strange relationship with Inaki. Hating the whole world I had to live in. Running away. Surviving the whole Minh-Nhat situation: before, during, and after. Being rejected by people I respected and admired. Being treated as a whore (which I kind of am, I guess). The depression that followed me and Samir's breakup. Sylvie's sickness and death and the whole Carole/Propulsion story. Facing the fact Vermeil was gay (and this meant more to me that people might think, really). Gab leaving me for no freaking reason. Louis refusing to me because he wanted a guy (and then he goes out with a girl). The whole Ian situation. Facing the fact Charles never trusted me. Being treated as a fool throughout summer. Being disrespected.

And now this.

Haha I guess I just figured out why some people say I'm strong.

But it's not strenght, oh my friend. Hell no. It's just the fact that I have no choice but to go through all that freakin' shit. I don't have a choice, what else can I do? Kill myself?

Haha.

So I guess once again I'll go through this, crying until I'm out of breathe everynight, shaking on my freezing bedroom floor, and faking a smile everytime I go out.

Does anyone care?

Naught but death...

2006-12-21T22:08:00.000-08:00

Their group sure was a strange sight for a newcomer to the ever growing mountain of absurdity the town had become. The skanky looking prostitute of fifteen was holding her steel bar loosely at her sight, half-unwilling, half-resignated to go go foward once again. By her side, the two kids were wrestling with somewhat amusing temptatives of weapons, chains and woodplanks. They were but a vision from an hallucinoid dream, a collaboration of your mind and your daily opium consommation, or equivalent thereof. The women, or barely, with her hair colored enough to light this fated night, the though little girl with her sandy skin and pale hair, and the boy, his hair still red and ablaze through the dirt the recent fights and escapes had afflicted him with. A common point could still be observed, as if three people together always had to have something in common: Their orbits were surrounded by thick, smoky lines of black kohl, as if masquerading some sort of death's angel.

Karolynn took a deep breath and let her gaze rest upon those she now realized were her friends - and the only few who remained. Was it a sign that this madness was ending, the simple fact that it didn't freak her out that they were kids even younger than her? When did all of this became normal, acceptable? Thoughts were racing her mind, and she couldn't help but put on her usual sarcastic smile, to which both Amnesia and Tommy replied without a sound. This, more than any make-up tricks, what was always united the unwonted street gang. Sarcasm, irony, cynism, sardonism and an hint of satire. They were but a delusioned bunch of kids and teens and this showed, more now than ever. Was there anything special about them? No, they were just that, neither heroes or anti-heroes, just a bunch of kids, delinquant ones at that, with more flaws than ever qualities. For the few qualities they made up, one could be courage she guessed.

Amnesia patted her side softly, cringing under the pain. She bit her lips and thought how weak she was, once again. She held her chainmail chain tightly, and couldn't do much more than hope for the best. Nothing was left. Cougar died. Éloïse died. All the others died. She had lost her lover and her best friend. She had lost the people that had changed her life. She thought of nothing, not because she did not want to, but because she couldn't. Her mind was empty, an ever growing hole filling her insides with more and more conviction. Her senses were still functioning, however, and she smelled the fumes of gunpowder and stirred up dust and dirt. Even if her soul was now numb, her body knew what was coming, and as her heartbeat rate raised, she closed her eyes to retire in the deepest part of herself for a moment. She gave Tommy a quick look. He wasn't stressed either. They knew no matter what, this was the end.

Tommy looked all around him, laying his eyes on this street he had learned to love, like all the other. If someone had told him, all those years ago, that he was to die on a street he probably would have laughed. Or he would have been too young to understand what death meant. He didn't want to remember now how careless he could have been. This meant nothing anymore. The nailed woodplank he held was all he had anymore. And them. He looked at the two girls and this was his moment of epiphany: How meaningless this had become, if all he had left was two girls he had barely ever spoken to? He kept strolling around them, and registered in his mind, for no obvious purpose, that the lights were dim and that this was quite a foggy afternoon.

Karolynn put on the stolen police officer cap, sideways, and so did her young colleagues with their own hats. "Ready to go kids?" What she wanted to be a quiet whisper rang through the somewhat silent alleyway, her voice more strong than the energy she believed was left in her body.

"Yup captain" Answered Tommy, in a tired but tentativingly playful voice.

Amnesia interrupted, with this rough, gritty voice of hers "Captain, may I ask for permission, uh?"

"What permission, kid?"

"May we sing with the abandon and merriment that suits this situation?"

"Permission granted, kid" And they all laughed dryly, for this was not a situation of much joy, at all.

Amnesia threw one arm around Tommy's neck and Karolynn stood right before them, in the sun just beginning to set. "March!" Continuing their foolish roleplay, they walked towards nowhere but what was before them, and soon Amnesia's unique voice rose to the sky:

"Show me the way to the next whisky bar! Oh don't ask why" And soon the others joined in with her, chanting this incongruous song. "Oh moon of Alabama, we must say goodbye!" And they kept going towards the urban battlefield, laughing, singing and pushing each other around, and you could hear their voices go fainter and fainter into the sounds of shouts, and soon, of gunshots. They walked to their death with no more resignation, but with the laughs that would remind them of their first times together.

A moment of bliss

2006-12-12T08:31:00.000-08:00

I'm here, sitting on a chair, in the middle of other people doing random stuff... And I don't even notice them.. I am in a dream, a blissfully wonderful bubble of an illusion... This is magical.

I saw Mathieu saturday night... And despite all my worries, my doubts... Everything was perfect, so perfect, so magical, so .. everything. I thought it wouldn't be like the first time, I thought it would be awkward, I thought we would be sad, shy, anything but..

No. Nothing of this happened. It was even greater than the first time. It was perfect, there is no better word to qualify that night. What can I say?

When was the last time I felt so good? So accepted? So beautiful? So.. worthy?

How can he see anything in me? He's so perfect. His eyes... It's cliché but what can I say? They are mesmerizing. His body, his lips.. just.. everything. I miss him so bad but... yet I'm happy, happier than I was for.. months, if not years.

The hugs, playing in his hair, and.. our first kiss. Not the way I had dreamed it would be but just as perfect. His hands fitting perfectly in mine, his hands so soft.. and gentle. I just couldn't keep my hands of him..

The long hours of simple ... sweetness, in the cold of the night. Half naked at 12 under 0, so crazy, so me-like..

But more than anything.. the words. Everything that he said.. everything... Each simple word made me feel worthy and desirable and alive. I am in love, truly. How can he see anything in me, how can I deserve someone like him..

He made me cry into happiness.. and I can't even believe he cried too.. It's.. totally magical.. it was and it still is. Our goodbyes.. Yes I cried again.. It was so hard.. to let him go.. Not knowing when I will see him again..

Please, you, God that I don't even believe in, tell me I am going to see him again soon. Please.

His smell still lingers on my black jacket.. This is so hard..

TSO + Charles is an asshole

2006-12-01T06:38:00.000-08:00

To start with: Charles is out of my life, for good. I blocked+deleted him. He did the unforgivable thing: Using the words "Forever and Ever" with another girl. This belongs to me, asshole. I gave it to you so it could belong to us instead, but you have to right to give it to another girl, because I have taken it back.

It's mine, asshole, mine.

On another hand, Trans-Siberian Orchestra's live was most simply amazing. Nothing else can describe it, I think. It beated everything I had seen before, and I doubt anything could equal this in the future, except maybe themselves, and then again.. Some people try to say "I'm sure it wasn't as amazing as Pink Floyd's lives back then". I saw DVD's... and I can tell you one thing. It was. It was more.

It was more than everything, it was a bliss of emotions, of artistry, of magic.

And to finish this glee-ful merriment of a blogpost, I have to say... I'm seeing Math in 8 days.

Can words describe how happy I am right now?

I doubt it.

Rock on, my dear friends. Xmas is near, love is in the air and uh.. Other common tacky and illusional gibberish.

Nintendo Wii

2006-11-28T11:54:00.000-08:00

The night between november 18 and 19th, I went to camp outside futureshop with a bunch of old friends and also and bunch of people I barely knew, all thsi just to buy a video game console. Because I guess felt once again the urge to prove I'm a real tomboy and a real geek and that I kick ass and camp outside futureshops.

When will I stop being so goddamn immature?

On another hand, people are stupid. Can anyone here believe Minh-Nhat is actually BLAMING Ahn Tu because she chose Étienne over him? Come on, how can he be so mean, just basically saying "I never was your friend, you're so stupid and naive". Yeah *right*.

Doesn't this ring a bell, my friends? Hasn't he told me the exact same shit almost 3 years ago? Is it just me or should I think he could have matured a bit through high school?

Last news, he ran away from home. Well, asshole, I just hope you die on the streets, and you better not cross my path. You have NO right to hurt Ahn Tu. If at least he had told her "I don't want to remain your friend because I still love you.." but no he's just being fucking stupid proud and trying to hurt her. I just hope she's stronger than that.

Somehow I hope he'll read this.

I won't talk to Mathieu for maybe a week. Argh.

I'm sorry, it's been two weeks

2006-11-28T06:39:00.000-08:00

Haven't posted in a while. Not that it had anything to do with me having nothing to say. I have loads of shit to say.

I slept with the first guy almost instinctively, because he acted like he wanted me. It wasn't bad. But I felt sick later on. Physically. Emotionally too, I guess. Because Apocalyptica's version of "Nothing else matters" was playing in the background. Because this was me and Arsenik's song in goddamn summer 05. And because it brought back memories of me crying at Apocalyptica's live.

I slept with the second guy because I was drunk, I had to prove myself I wasn't a kid anymore. This was so typical. Yet... it was fun. And I didn't feel sick as much. I just felt soar. I payed him a drink later on. How mature is that, eh. Tsss.

I slept with the third guy because I could. I felt proud after. And relieved. And it was good. I'm starting to get used to this, I guess. Whoring myself out. The problem with sex is that the more that you get, the more that you want. I thought after this I'd be good for at least a week. Groundbreaking news, friends: Sex is addictive.

Yet none of those guys were the man I love and guess this explains why I wasn't 100% satisfied. Yet he gave me a beautiful gift on friday night, a gift of words. I feel relieved.

I need to see him before X-Mas.

More blabbering later on, about TSO's live and the nintendo Wii.

My precious..

2006-11-14T11:01:00.000-08:00

He's making me go mad... I don't even mind not seeing him anymore, or him not loving me. He's just making me feek.. hot. Wonderful. God, words can't even express it. I feel like I had not felt for.. months? Even years maybe? I feel *alive*. The pain I feel is a good kinf of pain, the one that burns from inside, it's like tear of joy. The feeling is just.. overwhelming.

It's indecency, it's desire, it's passion, it's fire, it's... cliché. It's so me-like, and that's why I feel alive, that's why I feel this way, it's just because it had been so long since I had felt this way, since I had felt like myself. I passed more or less the last year masquerading into this oh-so-sweet kind of person that I'm NOT, just to be able to survive.

Well let me tell you, Pav-Chan is back to kick ass! Face it: More dance classes, more bad grades, more clubbing, more one night strands, more alcohol, more passion, drum lessons starting again, learning to sing, going to shows, meeting new people..

I'm here, I'm back. Fuck depression. I don't even mind it, the pain is part of me, the sadness is part of me. Who would I be if I had never gone through all that shit? Nadie. No one. My intensity of contradiction between pain and happiness, depressive and manic, joy and sadness, everything, is what makes me who I am. I AM a tortured soul, I AM a lost mind. Why try to be sane and decent? That's not me. I am tears in your eyes, I am grief, I am lies, and I'm loving it!

So what if I cry everyday? I also laugh everyday. Even things out.

Anyways, gotta run.

Dirty

2006-11-11T11:28:00.000-08:00

I feel so dirty.

On October 28th I met this 27 years old guy who asked me for my phone number, which I gave him. A week later he was calling me so we could go take a coffee. I accepted, but we ended up having a drink or two instead. It was a fun little evening and we promised to call each other back.

Once again a week later he called me, proposing that we go to a rave together yesterday night. I pondered and then chose to accept the proposition.

We went for a drink before, and then to the rave, which we barely stayed at. We mainly.. made out there... And then he invited me over at his apartment and I accepted.

I feel dirty. We haven't slept together and I'm proud... I slept in his arms and it felt good. But he called me by my real name and this hurt me so much I couldn't even tell him.

I felt dirty towards myself for being once again a prisoner of sex, I felt dirty towards him because he keeps paying me stuff all the time and I managed to escape what looked like something that was going towards... a confession?

And I feel dirty towards the person I love. Not that he cares, anyways. But he's the one I love.

I hate myself.

Going crazy

2006-11-05T18:54:00.000-08:00

I swear he's driving me mad. In a good way. God how I wish that he was close. How cruel is that, finding the perfect someone, who actually does like you, and they live freakin' far away.

Well, let's just say it's worth it. Yeah, the pain of not being able to see him is worth the fact of knowing someone who's so.. Smart? Nice? Interesting? Hot? Everything?

Damn, I'm so pathetic.

Hope he'll never read this.

... I think I'm in love.

I know, I know

2006-10-28T14:34:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, I haven't posted in ages. I'm just not feeling to well and trying to cope with it, and school is hell because I'm so irresponsible, and.. so on so forth.

First on... I have to become so attached to people who don't even care.. or.. maybe they do but not as much as me.. When will I learn to stop being hurt.

Charles is rubbing in my face the fact he has a new girlfriend by every means possible. I hate him, I hate her, I hate all the Santa Theresa fucking shitty society. Fuck this shit, I'm OUT! I'm so tired of this.. People didn't even know we were still going out together at the end of our relationship.. Hurray for your honesty, you fucking asshole.. DAMMIT I hate him! How could he lie to me so often... *sigh*

Mathieu is making me feel good.. He's sweet with me sometimes (okay, often..). But that's probably a bad thing. I DON'T want to have feelings for him. This is going to turn dangerous very, very soon... Ah and what the fuck, who the hell am I lying to, this is already dangerous past the point of no return, I already know if he stops talking to me (which he's probably starting to do) because he gets tired of me, I'm goddamn down for another couple of months. I just dunno what to do. How could he become so important to me.. through just those long nights of chatting about love problems..

Of course there was this one time when we saw each other and.. Maybe this changed things. Anyways. He told I'm very important for him but I know it's always the same goddamn thing, people keep telling me that and keep getting tired of me eventually.

Or maybe I will get tired of him. And that would be even more horrible. What I hate even more than nights spent crying on my bedroom floor are nights spent asking myself "Am I alive anymore?" Because I can't fucking feel anything.

I dunno who I am, I dunno what to do, I'm as lost as hell right now, trying to manage my freakin' life... Ah.. I hate when shit happens this way.

And once again, why am I lying to myself? I'm loving my life right now 'cause at least I feel something. Even if it's confusion and pain because Charles is an asshole and I still love him and I'm develloping strange friendships with people who live goddamn far away.

*Sigh*

hear the sound
the angels come screaming
down your voice
I hear you've been bleeding

make your choice
they say you've been pleading
someone save us

heaven help us now
come crashing down
we'll hear the sound
as you're falling down

I'm at this old hotel
but can't tell if I've been breathing or sleeping
or screaming or waiting for the man to call
and maybe all of the above
cause mostly I've been sprawled on these cathedral steps
while spitting out the blood and screaming
someone save us

and will you pray for me?
or make a saint of me?
and will you lay for me?
or make saint?

cause I'll give you all the nails you need
cover me in gasoline
wipe away those tears of blood again
and the punchline to the joke is asking
someone save us

and would you pray for me?
(you don't know a thing about my sins)
(how the misery begins)
or make a saint of me?
(you don't know)
(so I'm burning, I'm burning)

My Chemical Romance - Heaven Save Us

Keepin' it together

2006-10-16T17:50:00.000-07:00

Why can't I be like her.. sophiscated with medium lenght hair and pretty shiny eyes that aren't empty like mine, and the artist stereotype, tall and slender and curly red hair..

Why can't I be perfect...

But something happened, an angel came down to see me I think this week end.. and it was movie-picture-perfect... And this is the only thing that made sense for so long that I'm afraid it's just an illusion..

How pathetic is that? But at least now I feel like I am worth something... I've haven't felt like this in.. years. Or did I really ever feel that way..

I wish there were more nice people.. but it would make it less interesting and special..

*sigh*

I've never lost my faith

More flashbacks

2006-10-10T19:45:00.001-07:00

More flashbacks to keep me alive...

-I think I might do coke tonight
-I see. Why?
-I feel like it.

-I just said I'd do coke to hurt you. It was pure vengeance.
-Stop manipulating me, for Christ's sake!

-I feel like killing everyone
-Could you change subject? This is getting a bit boring.
-I won't talk then.
-If I knew you wouldn't talk, I wouldn't have invited you to eat.
-I'm leaving, then.
-You can't, I payed for your lunch.
-If I knew you thought I wasn't interesting, I wouldn't have accepted.

-I know you cheated on me with Ian.
-What are you talking about?
-He told me.
-Hasn't it crossed your mine that he MIGHT have been lying to you?
-I donm't believe you.
-It's kind of sad you prefer believing a guy you hate than your girlfriend.

-What have you done?
-We slept together
-You slept together?
-Yes. As in, having sex.
-He told me your forced him to kissed you and he pushed you back
-And you believed him?

-I'm leaving soon, as soon as Kass is done telling me about her love stories
-Ah, we can clearly see it's fall, everybody getting into tons of love stories
-Well, *I*'m not getting into tons of love stories
-I have so much love stories going on.. it's like an ocean of them
-I don't want to be mean, but that's kind of your problem

-I slept with four girls this week.. so far
-I see

-You're so easy
-I'm not easy!
-I don't think you can judge that kind of thing yourself
-Shut up! *I* know better than anyone if my easy or not
-You slept with 4 girls this week, you can't pretend you're not easy
-I'm not easy, I refused a lot of other girls!
-Well *I* think you're easy.

-I can't remember her name
-And you slept with her?
-Yeah
-And you're still pretending you're not easy?

-You're such a whore
-I'm not a whore!
-Neither a whore, neither easy to get in bed, eh?
-Uh..
-Hahaha

-You guys shouldn't get in if you don't want him to throw you out
-We'll do just what we want!
-It was just an advice
-He'll throw us out!

-Can you come see Amadeus with me?
-I don't have the money

-Can we go clubbing?
-I don't have the money

-Can we go see Joséane?
-I have no money for the bus

-I'm going to buy some clothing
-You have a sudden money rush?
-Yeah, but most of it is going to go see Amadeus with Claudio
-Charles? I'm breaking up
-Okay

When will I break?

2006-10-09T19:17:00.000-07:00

I dumped Charles on Saturday evening. Because it was just too much. When he told me he was going to see Amadeus with Claudio, when I asked him to come with me MONTHS ago and he told me he could not cuz he had no money...

No, it was just.. plain too much. Couldn't hold it any longer. I just broke. Something in me just broke. I knew I couldn't stay with him any longer if I wanted to still be able to face my own face in a mirror.

He doesn't even fucking care. He stopped loving me for so long.. And I knew it... Why did I even had a faint hope his freaking lies might have been the truth? When will he stop LYING to freaking everyone? He won't stop giving out 3 different versions of the same stories... Was he ever honest with me? I hate him.

God, I hate him. His fucking... superior tone of voice and his way of acting with me like I'm so much younger and immature and I have so much lesser experience... DAMN! He's acting the same way I did when I was 14 years old... And he's goddamn 20!

Just a few flashbacks, to make me hate him even more... Just so it can keep me from being sad:

-And then I lighted myself a cigarette in the changing room.
-Why did you do that? the door was only 2 meters from you
-Yeah, but I was PISSED OFF because there had been a fire alarm
-Oh. Adolescent rebellion, I see.
-Shut up, you're the adolescent one here!
-Yeah, but I didn't do such juvenile things.. for at least a couple years
-Pfff

-Hahaha! It's so funny eh!
-What's so funny?
-Oh, I won't repeat it! I'll never repeat it!
-That's stupid
-I have the right to do what I want
-Yeah, and I have the right to have my opinion, and my opinion is the way you're acting is stupid

-[...] Then we went to the train station and [...] it was such an awesome night!
-I see
-Could you stop repeting "I see"?
-It's not that I don't care it's just.. kind of that, actually.
-Well at least when *I* didn't care, I pretended
-Be proud of lying to me all this time if you want
-I'm not proud or ashamed of it, it's just neutral you know?
-I see

-I had the most amazing night of this year tonight! This was awesome!
-Nice to know you're best night is the one I'm not with you
-You know how [...] he's such an amazing movie maker and [...] so good!
-Act like you didn't hear me
-What are you talking about?
-Whatever

-Are you okay with it?
-Yeah
-You sure you are okay with it?
-Yes, I swear

-I want you to stop doing drugs
-I tought you were okay with it!
-Oh, you know, it's my ego, so I lied to you

-I don't want you to pick up cocaine again
-I won't, I swear I'll never do it again. You mean too much for me.

-I did coke the other day. I hated it.
-You promised you'd never do any!
-Shhhh
-I don't mind that you did some! It's your life... But don't make promises you can't keep!
-I said SHHHH

-That's it, keep on living in your little imaginary world.
-My little imaginary world only fucking exist in YOUR little imaginary world!

-I swear it on our love.
-Okay, I believe you then.

-Maud didn't lie. I really stole your backup CDs while you were showering.
-How could you do that to me? I trusted you!

-How could you lie to me, swearing on our love when you were lying?
-That's 'cause I was NOT lying!
-I don't believe you, I have proofs!
-What proofs do you have, the backup CDs you stole from me and misinterpreted from A to Z?

-You cheated on me with Samir!
-What the HELL are you talking about! Where did you hear that!
-Uh.. I don't remember but I know it's true!

-Come pick up your books. NOW!
-I'll go later.
-No, I said now.
-Whatever, okay.
-How could you cheat on me with Jo?
-How could you cheat on me with Caro when I specifically said you could do it with anyone but her?

-Why did you call me so early? You know I never get home before 6pm!
-Ah, stop yelling at me!
-Well, why don't you stop forgetting anything related to me!

-I cheated on you with Remy
-I don't care
-I want to be honest anyways
-I don't care anyways
-I know, you never care for me anyways.

-I just need to get acquainted to you once again, I'll go back to who I was before.
-How come you need to get re-acquainted to me for a 3 weeks break in a 11 months relationship!

-[...] so that's what he did.
-Uhuh
-You don't care, do you?
-Nah, I care, it's just that I'm tired.
-Yeah right.
-No really, I mean, it's the hangover.
-You didn't look so hangovered talking to Victoria and Regine earlier.
-I was just faking it.
-Yeah right

-Why do you stay alone over there? Come sit with me outside.
-Okay, why not.
-Alone? Am I translucent or what? Sometimes I feel like I don't even exist anymore

-Why did you leave so angry?
-I wasn't angry, I was just rushed.
-Where were you gone?
-Over at my place to fetch my guitar
-And this took you more than an hour?
-It's 'cause I met my uncle on the way.
-Yeah right. Why didn't you tell me goodbye?
-Because I was on a rush.
-To get your guitar?
-Yeah.
-I see. And then why the hell did you tell Dom you were going for a walk? Whatever

Am I trying too hard?

2006-10-02T18:59:00.000-07:00

Am I trying too hard? Is this starting to die out too? The only thing that could make me happy... Damn! I knew it was meant to end up this way, that this couldn't be anything else than friendship, but I'm the one who's ruining it all and I freaking know it! GOD do I hate myself sometimes!

I hate this fucking life! Why does nothing makes sense anymore! Dammit!

Your cruel device
Your blood, like ice
One look could kill
My pain, your thrill

I want to love you but I better not touch
I want to hold you but my senses tell me to stop
I want to kiss you but I want it too much
I want to taste you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison running through my veins
Youre poison, I dont want to break these chains

Your mouth, so hot
Your web, Im caught
Your skin, so wet
Black lace on sweat
I hear you calling and its needles and pins
I want to hurt you just to hear you screaming my name
Dont want to touch you but your'e under my skin (deep in)

(Alice Cooper - Poison)

MSN is trying to keep me alive

2006-10-01T19:11:00.000-07:00

The only thing I do lately to keep from drowning in my freaking thoughts is chatting on msn, mostly with Mathieu, Louis, Maxime, Samir, Kass and so on.

Pav says:
I need sex
Pav says:
I didn't have sex for like.. a month
Louis says:
Buy a dildo?
Pav says:
It won't replace the warmth of another human being
Louis says:
Yeah, I have to agree
Louis says:
They should make heated dildoes..

Somehow, this is very fucking depressing.

I woke up in a dream today
To the cold of the static, and put my cold feet on the floor
Forgot all about yesterday
Remembering I’m pretending to be where I’m not anymore
A little taste of hypocrisy
And I’m left in the wake of the mistake, slow to react
So even though you’re so close to me
You’re still so distant
And I can’t bring you back

It’s true the way I feel
Was promised by your face
The sound of your voice
Painted on my memories
Even if you’re not with me

I’m with you
You
Now I see keeping everything inside
You
Now I see
Even when I close my eyes

I hit you and you hit me back
We fall to the floor, the rest of the day stands still
Fine line between this and that
When things go wrong I pretend the past isn’t real
Now I'm trapped in this memory
And I’m left in the wake of the mistake, slow to react
So even though you’re close to me
You’re still so distant
And I can’t bring you back

No matter how far we've come
I can't wait to see tomorrow
No matter how far we've come, I
I can't wait to see tomorrow

Linkin Park - With You

This is dying

2006-09-30T11:36:00.000-07:00

Everything is dying.

Me and Charles.

Online friendships.

My old popularity (well it has been dead for a while)

My school grades

My hopes

My sense of reason

My dreams

......

I'm fucking tired of this.

Sigh

2006-09-18T19:56:00.000-07:00

Nox (the homeless guy I met a week ago) made another apperance today. He had disappeared for a week. Whatever. At least he's a live, but I think he lost his kitten.

... I feel freaking lost. I never, ever thought I'd miss regina eventually. But somehow, looking at all the prom pictures, I do. I don't really miss the events everyday, I never tell myself "Ah, it's sad, because I feel the need to get some coffee at bar santé with Camille" and so on.

What makes me sad is, that everything that happened everyday for five years will never, ever happen again. It's not just a long time without seeing people. We're off. Forever. And this hurts more than I expected. I have too many regrets. It's already been the quarter of a year since we left these walls. And I'm starting to feel the smell of depression and sorrow lingering back into my daily life.

I miss you guys. I swear. Even my worst ennemies. Tss.

And you all know the other thing that make me sad. Okay, when I proposed an OPEN relationship, I meant like, once in a while, having a different partner for a night. Being allowed to flirt. NOT A FREAKING MARATHON TO FUCK EVERY PERSON OUT THERE! Damnit! I'm so tired of his fucking little popularity trip! He's not even ATTRACTED to half those girls! How can he say he's gay and not attracted to girls than fuck 5-6 of them in a freaking week! I know he's just saying he's gay to hurt me more. Of course he won't tell THEM that he's gay.

Fuck, why did you change so much? I don't love you. I loved a Pirate-Metalhead-Hobo. You're just a self-conscious fashion-whore. Tss, it seems like you are so bedazzled by the sudden interest girls take in you that you can't keep your hands of them. If only you'd realize you already had this much attention, you just felt.. mature enough not to pay attention. Damn, I acted that way when I was freaking FIFTEEN YEARS OLD! I kissed 3 boys and 2 girls at a party and I felt proud of myself! YOU'RE GODDAMN TWENTY! AND PRETENDING YOU'RE SO MUCH MORE MATURE THAN ME! Truth is you fucking AREN'T! You're just a freakin' kid and I'll never EVER let you act towards me like your superior because of your age/life experience/sex experience/elitist tendencies EVER AGAIN.

Damn, hearing you say you were a whore was funny when it was just a game. Now it's true, and you don't realise how degrading it is to me. You don't even freakin' care about me anymore. And I'm suppose to bear that because "I did the same thing this summer" which is so false because I fucked like 2 other guys this summer, not freaking 10! And I only did it to prove I was NORMAL and you're the one that had me to FORCED to prove this!

And you cheated on me first and you goddamn know it..

"I'm not easy to get into bed at all, I refused plenty of girls" Yeah, and what is that suppose to prove? It's so easy to get you into bed, you just have to act slutty and cute and feminine and then slutty again and show loads of attention to you and you'll say yes.

I hate you.

Dawson: September 13

2006-09-14T20:11:00.000-07:00

I want to express my sympathy towards the family of the victims, especially the girl who died, and all the students. This is an horrible tragedy, that shows what hate and intolerance leads to.

Everyone, please. Stop hating each other for fucking style, music, fashion, and so on considerations. It's not worth it. See what this kind of hate brings to our world.

Life is horrible. Ryan, I'm so relieved you are okay. I was fucking worried.

This is all. There is nothing else to say, it would be a sacrilege anyway.

Stay strong. Be courageous. Never forget.

Srange meetings

2006-09-12T19:44:00.000-07:00

I met this homeless guy yesterday, who's surprisingly well educated and interesting. He's 35 years old, he's arab, he's a freak, and he knows everything about tarot card, among other things.

Welcome to my world. I still can't believe this friend of mine was grossed out by the fact I hang out with homeless people. God, this man is way more interesting than mostly everyone I met in the past few months. He could actually HOLD a conversation with me for a couple of freaking HOURS! Nobody I know thinks I'm interesting enough to talk to me for that long.

Other new: Charles got an infection to his tongue piercing because he gave some oral sex to some girl, who I guess wasn't clean after all. Hahaha, well at least *I*'m clean. (What a bitch am I tonight, nieh). At least I respect that girl (unlike some other bitch I won't name who seems to think my boyfriend belongs to her. Listen you slut, he's MY boyfriend, and *I* gave him the right to have sex with WHOEVER he fucking wants, so you have NOTHING to say about it, allright?!)

I'm already late on my cegep shit. Whatever.

What the HECK?!

2006-09-07T08:07:00.000-07:00

Okay, how the hell am I suppose to react if a guy invites me over at his place to smoke some weed and the he just lies down on his bed watching TV, and when I lie besides him, he starts touching me (which is good) and then suddenly he stops and starts muttering about "I don't know what to tell you, I don't.. uh.. well.. you know.. just don't.. i'm sorry.. well".

Damn guys. I swear one day I'll become a lesbian.

And dammit, he was cute.. *sigh* whatever.

Stuff between me and Charles is much better. Yay! And Cegep is okay, really. I'm alone a lot less than I was at first.. Maybe eventually I'll make some friends.

I wanna live before I die
So don't say I have to cry on
One more freezing floor
I ask you to open the door
And see how things could have gone
The reason that it took so long
Before you could figure out
That for so long I was about to break
And there were no arms to keep me
From harming me and now I'm searchin back to see
How I never tried to ask for some sympathy
'cause no- nobody wants to ride with me too far
'cause I might trip away
But in your arms I'd rather stay

You might just turn into something I like

You might just turn into something I
Want to dream about
Something I can't live without
My foot is in your hand
I want you to understand
How I could be confused
Right after being used
But still your here in spite
When I close my eyes to dream at night
I've gotta keep my pants on
I gotta check my pulse before I've gone too far away
To hurt so i think I'll stay around to hear ya breath
Saying all those words to me
Unraveling my fantasy while I drink
My oleander tea

You might just turn into something I like
You might just turn into something I like

Katy Rose - I Like

Bad me

2006-09-03T21:14:00.000-07:00

Woah, haven't written in 4 days, I'm so bad. I'm sorry. Well well well. Thursday.. I had this overly boring Introductions to Arts & Litterature thing. Oh well, whatever, not all classes can be fun. My friday Phys Ed class is just as bad. Our dance teacher doesn't even have a dance formation *sigh*. Whatever.

Friday night I've seen Charles.. and I slept over at his home. Stupid-emo-bitch-other-girl was sooo mad because I was there. Haha, in your face you slut! Like he'd choose her over me, anyways. I'm so much prettier, nah! Haha, I feel so bitchy today. She cracked a few times, starting yelling at him and acting like a little crybaby.

On Saturday I've seen this guy I've known on msn for.. well I guess it must have been a year now. *Sigh* He has cute eyes. And shit happened. Surprise, surprise. We're talking about me, aren't we? Haha. Just hope he won't have a crush on me. Please, guys, don't complicate things, they are already crazy enough to start a soap opera about my life (and I'm serious).

And today well, I was suppose to see this guy I haven't seen in a year, but once again he didn't call me back (Surprise, surprise) *sigh* so I saw Charles and Mako and my sister and we listened to a nice movie and here I am listening to Katy Rose singing in my hear about senseless things and chatting carelessly on msn with people I spent five years with and might never see again.

Things are strange, aren't they?

Drugs stopped working when I was born
But all the fairy dust I breathe
Is doing nothing to relieve
The strife of broken Autumn leaves in the sand

I'm still high on the music
As my inner child cries
For she may lose it

And the incense in my eyes
Can't save the sin between your thighs
Because you stabbed me with your lies
You're not the only one that's broken

Whore, fuck your drugs
I introduced you anyway
You're a slave
Spun undone, I met you in an alleyway
And I'm never okay

Cos I'm pretending like I'm keeping it together
I'm pretending like I'm keeping it together

My bones are scratched and so forlorn
And all the Prozac that I take
Is only lulling me to make up
This forced smile that is fake for all the doctors

But I'll get by
For the music
Stand as an object
So they can use it

So go snort your loved white powder
I'll just play my music louder
And get my drugs from the counter at the pharmacy

Whore, fuck your drugs
I introduced you anyway
You're a slave
Spun undone, I met you in an alleyway
And I'm never okay

Cos I'm pretending like I'm keeping it together
I'm pretending like I'm keeping it together

And they'll never know

Katy Rose - Keeping it together

"Human Sexuality"

2006-08-30T19:55:00.000-07:00

I just discovered my complementary class will be the best one. Should have known. "Human Sexuality", can you get much better than that? Hell yes you can, add a funny teacher a few cute guys.. hehe!

And spanish was okay, I might actually pass that class is I manage to study a lot. But working today was so freaking boring, I don't know how the hell I'll survive to that job, and if the money is worth it.. damnnn!

Charles is trying to stop seeing "the other girl", and I'm fucking happy about it. Fuck her! She's ugly, annoying and she looks stupid. (Okay, I might be a bit jealous. I totally have the right too. He's MINE bitches. Kiss him, fuck him, but don't love him, allright?)

It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time

And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around

It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me

And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts, in my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways if I don't give you up now

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time, then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

Kelly Clarkson - Addicted

Freaking schedule holes

2006-08-29T18:43:00.000-07:00

Argh, I hate having nothing to do for 4 hours straight. It's so boring. Well, eventually I might thank god because I'll be able to do all my school work there (since I so intelligently have about 6 hours a week of dance class, and I work 10 hours).

People in my german class are nice, but everyone is kind of stuck up, probably because it's the first week and all, people are stressed and so on. I'm still too shy to talk to the billion cute guys I've seen. I didn't see Ian or Julien or Cynthia today, I just saw Pouille and Garnet. Well that's still not too bad.

German class seems freaking amazing, really. French looks boring, the teacher is horrible. I can't wait for Sexualité Humaine tomorrow morning (altough I have to get up at 6AM, what the hell am I still doing online for Christ's sake?) Oh well.

Other than this, things are okay. I mean, I'm surviving, even if I didn't speak with Charles at all today (he didn't have shool so I bet he's out there somewhere, partying... with her *sigh*). Oh well, I don't mind. There's a billion cute guys in school uh? But I can't seem to get to speak to any of 'em. Damn my shyness. The worst part is I was never shy before people started to tell me everyone hated me. Fuck everyone *sigh*.

At least I managed not to forget to write in this blog today.

Well, is it still me that makes you sweat?
Am I who you think about in bed?
When the lights are dim and your hands are shaking as you're sliding off your pants?
Well, then think of what you did
And how I hope to God she was worth it
When the lights are dim and your heart is racing as your fingers touch your skin

I've got more wit
A better kiss
A hotter touch
A better fuck
Than any girl you'll ever meet
Sweetie you had me
Boy, I was it, look past the sweat
A better love deserving of
Exchanging body heat in the passenger seat
No, no, no, you know it will always just be me

Let's get these teen hearts beating
Faster, faster

So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
Will you dance to this beat
And hold a lover close?

So I guess we're back to us
Oh, cameraman, swing the focus
In case I lost my train of thought
Where was it that we last left off?
(Let's pick up, pick up)

Oh, now I do recall
We just were getting to the part
Where the shock sets in
And the stomach acid finds a new way to make you get sick
I sure hope you didn't expect to get all of the attention
Let's not get selfish
Did you really think I'd let you kill this chorus?

Panic at the Disco - Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off

A new life

2006-08-28T16:41:00.000-07:00

So here am I, once again, starting a new blog. This time I just hope I'll keep posting in it for more than a month. Consider this as a symbol of the fact I'm starting a new life.

I started Cegep today. People are amazing. And intimidating. For the first time of my life I've been afraid to go up to people and present myself. At least there aren't much people in my classes so I guess it's going to be easier... I hope so.

I saw Cynthia at Cegep today. I was no idea she was going to Vieux-Montréal. She told me she was going to Marie-Vic so that surprised me a lot, but I'm so happy, since I had just decided to get more involved in the goth community, just like back in 2004. God, I miss those times.

Well I decided that my first few pays will be dedicated to buying Loli clothing. Yeah, I'm that obsessive. Come on, I need it: Taking a break with my boyfriend, recently discovered how much everyone hates me, been turned down a couple of times by now and just lost a lot of the people I hanged around with at high school. I feel.. well you know. I need stuff to keep me occupied. And becoming a goth once again is something quite entertaining.

Dance classes are taking back once again soon. And looks like Chantale and Camille are still there, and Nick too, so I'll have at least 3 nice teachers. There is a new Belly Dancing teacher but I think I'll stay with Sylvie.. I miss her classes. She's so nice.

The bass, the rock
The mic, the treble
I like my coffee black
Just like my metal

I can't wait for you to fuck me up
In a minute, minute
In a fuckin' minute

I can't wait for you to shut me up
and make me hip like badass
I can't wait for you to shut me up.
Shut- it- up!

I don't find it funny (right now)
I'm just wanting my ma ma's money right (now)
I'm on the way to the party (right now)
Because the break, the break, the break !

I can't wait for you to shut me up
and make me hip like badass
I can't wait for you to shut me up.
Shut- it- up!

Mindless Self Indulgence - Shut Me Up