I know, I know

I know, I know, I haven't posted in ages. I'm just not feeling to well and trying to cope with it, and school is hell because I'm so irresponsible, and.. so on so forth.

First on... I have to become so attached to people who don't even care.. or.. maybe they do but not as much as me.. When will I learn to stop being hurt.

Charles is rubbing in my face the fact he has a new girlfriend by every means possible. I hate him, I hate her, I hate all the Santa Theresa fucking shitty society. Fuck this shit, I'm OUT! I'm so tired of this.. People didn't even know we were still going out together at the end of our relationship.. Hurray for your honesty, you fucking asshole.. DAMMIT I hate him! How could he lie to me so often... *sigh*

Mathieu is making me feel good.. He's sweet with me sometimes (okay, often..). But that's probably a bad thing. I DON'T want to have feelings for him. This is going to turn dangerous very, very soon... Ah and what the fuck, who the hell am I lying to, this is already dangerous past the point of no return, I already know if he stops talking to me (which he's probably starting to do) because he gets tired of me, I'm goddamn down for another couple of months. I just dunno what to do. How could he become so important to me.. through just those long nights of chatting about love problems..

Of course there was this one time when we saw each other and.. Maybe this changed things. Anyways. He told I'm very important for him but I know it's always the same goddamn thing, people keep telling me that and keep getting tired of me eventually.

Or maybe I will get tired of him. And that would be even more horrible. What I hate even more than nights spent crying on my bedroom floor are nights spent asking myself "Am I alive anymore?" Because I can't fucking feel anything.

I dunno who I am, I dunno what to do, I'm as lost as hell right now, trying to manage my freakin' life... Ah.. I hate when shit happens this way.

And once again, why am I lying to myself? I'm loving my life right now 'cause at least I feel something. Even if it's confusion and pain because Charles is an asshole and I still love him and I'm develloping strange friendships with people who live goddamn far away.

*Sigh*

hear the sound
the angels come screaming
down your voice
I hear you've been bleeding

make your choice
they say you've been pleading
someone save us

heaven help us now
come crashing down
we'll hear the sound
as you're falling down

I'm at this old hotel
but can't tell if I've been breathing or sleeping
or screaming or waiting for the man to call
and maybe all of the above
cause mostly I've been sprawled on these cathedral steps
while spitting out the blood and screaming
someone save us

and will you pray for me?
or make a saint of me?
and will you lay for me?
or make saint?

cause I'll give you all the nails you need
cover me in gasoline
wipe away those tears of blood again
and the punchline to the joke is asking
someone save us

and would you pray for me?
(you don't know a thing about my sins)
(how the misery begins)
or make a saint of me?
(you don't know)
(so I'm burning, I'm burning)

My Chemical Romance - Heaven Save Us